We Cannot Go Back

Regardless of whether we are ready or not, life has a way of simply moving forward.  We may want to hold onto today, but – by tomorrow – today will be gone.  The past comes so quickly.  Stop – there…that is now in the past.  We cannot do anything about it. The moment is gone, and we are in the now.  The more we try to hang on to the past, the less likely we are to see the now.

No matter how hard we try, we cannot go back and capture the past.

I have now been to and have returned from my 20th high school reunion.  The planning committee worked very hard to create the best possible reunion, and nearly one half of my graduating class turned out for the event.  Before I arrived at the first event on Friday night, I was so sick to my stomach with anxiety.  As I spoke with others, I realized that I was not the only one who felt this way.  It was hard for us to know what it would be like to see each other again after – for many of us – twenty years (or ten if we attended the last reunion…).

Many of us would not do high school again if given the choice.

In speaking with many people, I came to realize that I was not one of the few who found high school as a difficult experience.  I had guessed this, but it kept being confirmed over and over again.  Many of us had walked out of the graduation ceremony and had just kept walking.  A few attempts at getting together or communicating had occurred, but we many of us had pretty much built lives separate from the high school experience.  And we were not sure what it would mean or be like to go back.

Others had stayed very connected with their high school friends.  Some had continued with the friendships that they had even as they added new friends from other experiences – many of them had remained in our hometown, but that was not required for them to be in this group .  It was obvious, to me at least, that this group to which I did not relate experienced something different at the reunion than what I was experiencing. Without spending a great deal of time with a good number of these classmates, I would not know how this occurred, why this occurred, and if this meant that they enjoyed the reunion more.

Either way – there was one thing that I realized very quickly: none of us can go back to the way it was in high school.

None of us (especially me as I was never good at this) will don cheerleading outfits again.  Few of us will pursue the sports that we (they – I am not an athlete!)  had pursued in high school.  Many of us have learned to navigate social situations better than we did in high school.  Some of us moved very far away from “home” as classmates came from both near and far away places such as Holland, Australia, and  Alaska (North Pole, AK, at that!).  Regardless of the physical distance between us all, distance created by time and different life experiences is still there. 

This has changed us.

We are not the same people. We have grown up in the sense that we are more confident in ourselves.  We have moved on and created lives that, for many, are full of fulfilling careers, families, and hobbies.  We have become comfortable in our own skin, and we are – for the most part – happy with what we have become. 

However…

While we may or may not recognize each other, while we may or may not keep in touch, and while we may or may not have many positive memories of the past, we must recognize that we share the past.  For some us, we share thirteen years of public school history.  This fact holds us together, and that is important.  This fact is what brings us together at reunion time, and that fact is important.  This fact is what – most likely – drives us to seek each other’s friendship on Facebook.

Side note: Oh – yes – I would guess that a certain amount of healthy curiosity is also at the foundation of that. 

We cannot go back, but we can move forward.

We may not all become great friends in the way that we were in high school (for some that may be a blessing).  We may not even talk with some people again until our 30th reunion.  But we do not need to be sick to our stomachs as that reunion approaches.  Connecting with our past reminds us of who we are and from whence (I like using that word!) we came.  In addition, it helps us to pave our futures because we can move forward with a renewed perspective.

Seeing classmates again, though scary for me at first, was a good experience, and – from the Facebook posts – it looks as though that was true for many.  As move away from this weekend, it will be interesting to see how the next ten years will differ from the past twenty.  Will social media keep us connected in ways that we have not experienced before?  Will this be a positive thing for us? 

As we move forward, my hope is that we will constantly encourage each other to be more than we were twenty years ago, ten years ago, and today.

To Be Seen

As I mentioned in a previous post, our family recently went to see the Festival Theatre’s production of Man of La Mancha. 

As is typical in theatre, literature, and film, there is a man in love with a girl. But this love interest is different than our modern, over-the-top, and inappropriate relationship.  Don Quixote loves “pure and chaste from afar” and though, he declares his love to his lady, they rarely even touch.

What is even more unconventional about this relationship is who they they are.  He is a peasant who - by all accounts of those around him – is a madman for believing that he is a knight.  She is … well, how shall we say … a whore who describes herself as “no one … nothing at all.”

The twist?  Don Quixote’s “madness” allows him to see the bar-maid/prostitute named Aldonza as the lady Dulcinea (translated from Spanish to English = sweet one).

Dulcinea claims that Don Quixote torments her with his rants about her being a lady.  At one point, she pleads:

Won't you look at me, look at me,
God, won't you look at me!
Look at the kitchen slut reeking with sweat!
Born on a dung heap to die on a dung heap,
A strumpet men use and forget! ¹

But he will not back down.  He has chosen to see her as a lady, and he will not be swayed.

SPOILER ALERT: if you continue to read this post, you will learn about the end of the musical.  Just letting you know!

At the end of the musical, we see Don Quixote on his deathbed – madness gone replaced with (in my opinion) depression.  As I see it, once his dream died, he basically had nothing for which to live.  Aldonza/Duclinea rushes in to speak with him.  She needs him to know who she is, to remember what he called her, and (in my opinion) to remember why he called her that.

Somehow, through his madness, Aldonza was able to see herself through Don Quixote’s eyes as Dulcinea.  Before Don Quixote came along, she believed that – because she circumstances – she would never rise above from whence she had come.  However, Don Quixote essentially gave her new eyes when he showed her the way that he saw her.  Because he essentially created a future of hope rather than despair, she could live as Dulcinea.

How someone else sees us has so much power…

We each hold someone else’s future in our vision.  If we choose to discourage someone from seeing hope, we could kill a dream.  But if choose to encourage, we could give wings so that they can fly (sorry for the cliché!). But it s true!

This completely boggles my mind! 

Imagine what we could do if we all saw those “born in a dung heap” as lords and ladies worthy of our deference.  Imagine how lives would be changed if we used a little madness now and then better the world by going on quests, dreaming the impossible dream, righting the unrightable wrongs, and seeing people beyond their circumstances.

What will I choose today?  What will you choose today?  What quests are we called to start today that will take us on adventures and misadventures and that will ask us to see people in ways for which we may not be ready?

________________________________________________________________________

1: source

http://www.lyricsondemand.com/soundtracks/m/manoflamanchalyrics/aldonzalyrics.html

Nice One, Mayor Menino!

I want to be a public official someday so that all of the mistakes I make can be swept under the rug by saying, “I make mistakes all the time.  That’s a Bender-ism.”  In fact, why wait until I am a public official?  I think I will just start using that line now…

I make mistakes all the time. That’s a Bender-ism.

In all seriousness, I have to say that I am impressed with Mayor Menino for making it known (see article from the Boston Herald) that he is allowed his opinion while also backing away from his earlier threat to actively interfere with Chick-fil-a’s attempt to open a restaurant in Boston.  I am glad that he has made it known that, regardless of his disagreement with the CEO’s stance about a political issue, he cannot interfere with the commerce side of city government.

The downside of this whole thing could be that other public officials (Chicago) may not back down so quickly even though the ladies of The View (according to The Huffington Post) have opposed this. 

I am so thrilled that Whoopi Goldberg agrees with me!

Now for an apology of sorts from this author…

In yesterday’s post, I wandered a bit from my main point of opposing Mayor Menino’s misuse of his office to keep Chick-fil-a out of Boston (thankfully, a reader pointed this out to me!) by introducing the concept of boycotting restaurants, institutions, or other businesses with whom we disagree.  I want to clarify something about that and then pretty much move away from this in the next few days’ posts (back to food from Massachusetts’ North Shore).

If someone wants to avoid (boycott) a business or institution because of disagreeing with a way that the owners believe, a product that is produced, or its policies, that is definitely that person’s right to do so regardless of whether the boycott has any financial impact.  As one reader (friend) pointed out, she refuses to eat at Chick-fil-a because she, as she wrote: “I feel so passionately about the statement he made that I need to find a tangible way to voice my opposition to it.”

Not only is that her right, but it is also a way that she feels she can make a difference.

The blog post yesterday should have left the boycott business out entirely and should have focused only on my objection to Mayor Menino’s “mistake” for which he has now recanted.  I need to work on how I write these controversial posts.  My conversational tone works well when talking about mourning, mental illness, and food.  It does not work well when I am trying to make a point.

For that, I apologize. 

I want to be clear and not misunderstood; therefore, I will work on getting rid of the muddy waters in “issue” posts and focus more clearly on what I am trying to say.  Thank you so much to the readers who took time out of their day yesterday to call me out, to disagree with me, to state better reasons for the same stand that I have, and – most of all -  to read the posts in the first place. 

I am humbled and amazed that anyone reads this blog.

Happy Friday to you all!

Lobsta!

On my recent trip to the east coast, I had some time to myself for rest and refreshment.  One of the things that I did each day was walk a mile or two in one direction until I found something interesting.  In preparation for the trip, I had looked at a few maps to see what would be within walking distance.

Interrupting myself: I think that I can safely say that traveling without a car was good for me on this trip.  I had to rely on others for transportation on some parts of the trip, and I had to get in some exercise on other parts.  This is the first time since we lived in Edinburgh that I traveled this way to this extent, and I really enjoyed both the freedom and the limitations of the experience.  And many thanks to those who lent me their wheels. 

http://www.lobsterpoolrestaurant.com/main/index.php, located on Folly Cove in Rockport, MA, proved to be an excellent find both in taste and in location.  Within walking distance (just over a mile) from where I stayed, this restaurant welcomed me with open arms.  Between the views and the menu, this restaurant delivered a huge bang for my buck.  It’s a seafood place, so that is what you will find on the menu!  I think that they may harvest their own lobsters as there were lobster buoys in the cove.  I have no confirmation of that, so no one should use me as a source for a Wikipedia source.

When I arrived, I was not terribly hungry.  That did no matter, though, because there is plenty of seating outside (including an adirondak [?] chair of which I do not have a photo because I sat in it as I took photos). 

I sat outside for a good hour and a half taking in the sights and sounds of the cove.

They apparently encourage guests to play these instruments.  Unfortunately, no one did while I was there.  I know of a few people who would have found this super fun!

You cannot go to a place with “lobster” in its name without eating lobster (at least I can’t!).

Pictured above is my dinner.  Do not worry – he (or she???) is not alive in this picture. In fact, below the rock is the serving dish from which I removed the lobster in order to take this picture. The lobster was actually steaming hot!

I made quite a few other customers laugh as I positioned, re-positioned, and still re-positioned the lobster into the perfect pose for this picture.  One of them even offered to take my picture with the lobster!  I declined and explained that the picture was for my blog; therefore, I do not need to be in the picture.

Would I go back to The Lobster Pool?  In a heartbeat.

Would I order lobster again?  Sure – but I might also want to try their shrimp (my favorite!).

What would I try next time?  Their onion rings!  They only come in one size for $6.95, and that seemed like a lot for one person.  This is the (one) down-side of spending part of your vacation alone: no one with whom to share an order of onion rings.

Do you like lobster?  If not, what about it makes you dislike it?  If yes, where have you had the best lobster?  I am of the opinion that the only way to eat lobster is recently caught, near the place it was caught, and with alive-to-dead and on my plate time within minutes.

Chick-fil-a: This is America, Right?

Once again the internet is all a-Twitter about something that someone said, thought, or wrote.  This time, I will admit, it is a doozy.  The Chick-fil-a CEO has chosen to voice his opinion about the issue of gay marriage, and that set off a wildfire including a letter from the mayor of Boston saying that Chick-fil-a cannot open in his town – or his state for that matter.  I wonder if he knows that there are already two Chick-fil-a shops in MA?

I am confused.

I thought that I live in the United States of America where I can think what I want even when someone else disagrees with me.  I thought that I could also conduct business regardless of what my personal feelings are as long as I do not discriminate in my hiring or service practices.

I can see how it might be something to make noise about if a company makes a product that someone finds offensive.  That might lead me to make some noise.  Chick-fil-a did not produce a potentially offensive product; their CEO just has a personal stance on an issue.

I have to lay out on the table that I am not the boycotting type.  Back when I was in high school (twenty years ago and counting as this weekend is my 20th reunion weekend – woot for the class of ‘92), there were a lot of places that I was urged to boycott because they financially (or in spirit – whatever that means) supported causes with which I disagreed.  That did not really sit well with me because I wanted to buy what I wanted to buy.  It was business – a good product is a good product, right?  Well…maybe…maybe not…

Moreover, boycotts do not tend to send the message home any more than simply and literally sending the message (by email, letter, or bottle if that is that is the most effective way) does.  Companies earn money and can do with it what they want.  When they use their money to support causes with which I disagree, I can choose not to support them financially – but I have to realize that the market is big enough for most of these places not to notice that I am no longer there because someone is there to take my place.

Regardless, though, I never imagined that a restaurant or a store would be banned from a city because of the stance its CEO took on an issue.  It seems strange to me that the mayor of Boston would keep out a reputable, honest, and financially stable restaurant while he allows all kinds of truly bad stuff go on in his city.  The CEO of Chick-fil-a has an opinion.  No one is getting shot because of this.  No one is being sold into slavery because of this.  No one is even being fired or denied service because of this.

Are we not in a country where we can have opinions?  Is that not why we vote?  And do our personal opinions matter in the products that we serve?

Chick-fil-a chose not to open on Sundays, and no one forced them to open on Sundays.  Other businesses disagree and are open on Sundays.  It is not against the law to open on Sundays (anymore), and it is not against the law to close on Sundays.

It is also not against the law to disagree.

We cannot live in anger just because we do not like what the other person says or does when it disagrees with how we see an issue.  I need to be allowed to have my opinion – the Constitution says so.  And you need to be allowed to have your opinion – the Constitution says so.  Additionally, we should not ban a restaurant from a city because the city’s mayor disagrees with how the CEO thinks on one issue.  Whether we agree with the mayor or the CEO does not matter because no law has been broken. 

Each man has an opinion; the opinions simply differ.

Tolerance means that we tolerate each other. True tolerance would facilitate conversations where each side of the debate may learn something from the other.  And tolerance means allowing a restaurant to open in your city even though you do not agree with the personal opinions of it CEO.  If the people of Boston (and now Chicago and possibly Philadelphia follow suit…) choose not to eat there, the restaurant will go away on its own. But what would the mayor think of the restaurant prospered?

If I were the mayor, I would think that people are eating food.  That is all.

Honestly, this whole thing has made me shake my head.  If we cannot have opinions, voice them, and care about them without being afraid of having our businesses banned from a city because of those opinions, why be an American?  Why fight for our freedom?  Why have a military?  We might as well just be a country without freedom of speech, thought, or religion if those in government can decide that our personal opinions need to be banned from a city, state, or country.

I do not think that is the country that I want.  What I want is a country that knows how to communicate, how to have dialogue, how to listen, and how to learn.  What I want is a country that allows you to have a voice while allowing me to have a voice even when – no, especially when – we disagree.  If that is not the United States of America, then what do we send our troops all over the world to protect?  Why bother protecting freedom if freedom is only afforded to those who agree with a particular stance on any given issue?

Mayor Menino: “There is no place for [your form] of discrimination on the Freedom Trail.”

Freedom is freedom whether we agree on the issue or not.

 

Related Article

• In Defense of Eating at Chick-fil-a

PS: It does not seem like this has Chick-fil-a backing down at all. They just opened a new place in Baltimore, and the pre-opening event was as full as ever.

Pregnancy Tests in a Bar?

After being away from Facebook, Twitter, and most forms of the news for a week due to my vacation last week, getting caught up has been a bit of an overwhelming experience.  To go from only the sounds of waves crashing against the rocky shoreline of Rockport, MA, to the noise created inside of my head from all of the information available through social media and beyond has been simply loud. 

There may be no better better word for it.

I scrolled and caught up with the usual – other people’s vacations, the updates about the shooter in Colorado, and pictures of cousins’ babies. 

And then my Twitter feed drew my attention to something that I just simply never imagined.

Side note: I have no idea how I started following Babble.com on Twitter.  I am not even sure if I chose to follow the online magazine which was launched in 2006 and was acquired by Disney in 2011.  Twitter seems to decide what I follow or just shows me thinks from people – maybe in a retweet (which is different from any form of “retreat”).  Anyway – they are a black hole of all things parenting … including Disney vacations. 

I giggled as I wrote that side not…back to the thoughts…

The tweet: A bar in Minnesota is installing pregnancy test dispensers http://ow.ly/cr1mf

Hold the phone.  Stop the presses.  And sit down for a minute.   Deep breaths…

Pregnancy tests in a bar?  In a Minnesota bar?  A bar in Minnesota has pregnancy tests?

For sale?  In a vending machine?  In a bar?  In Minnesota.  More deep breaths…

I honestly was excited, afraid, interested, shocked, indignant, miffed, and…and…and…

Well, yes, I did click right on over to the link provided; thank you for asking!  And the link provided a great amount of information pertaining to Jody Allen Crowe’s vision to intercede on the behalf of unborn children who may be exposed to alcohol (thus leading to unhealthy brains) because the mother-to-be did not even know she was expecting as she took those drinks.

I further clicked through the Babble.com article to read the Mankato Press article which detailed which bar the test could be found as well as the reasoning behind the tests.  Crowe’s thinking is if a woman suspects she is pregnant and is able to confirm that prior to purchasing her first drink of the night, she may skip the alcohol and save her baby’s brain from damage.

Heart-felt foundation.  Wonderful intentions.  Excellent vision.   But will it work?

Mr Crowe envisions that his $3 pregnancy tests (which he claims are 99% accurate) should be in malls, gyms, and just about anywhere that potential mothers can be found.  And here is where I had to stop and think for a minute. 

Is not any woman who has sex a potential mother?

I mean – let’s be honest here – short of surgeries (which are still not 100% effective) there are few ways to be 100% certain having sex does not lead to pregnancy.  In fact, pretty much the only way to completely avoid pregnancy is to avoid sex.  To say otherwise is really not using our brains.  I am not saying that Mr Crowe has said that, but that is where his reasoning leads me to think.  Maybe I am only one who thinks that after reading both articles.

What I am trying to say is that this idea of Mr Crowe’s seems to reduce the responsibility that we need to take for our actions by making pregnancy tests available in places that are easier for us.  For right now, they are available in a bar.  But his vision to increase their availability to places where younger “women” can access them concerns me a bit.  I am not sure that I would want my 16 year old daughter to be able to purchase a pregnancy test in a vending machine at the mall rather than talking to me about her potential pregnancy.  Maybe that is just me.  Maybe that is just me being naïve.

I think what really is nagging at me is why we need to intervene in this way at all.

When Dead Poets’ Society came out in 1989, it seemed that we all needed a punch in the arm and a reminder about carpe diem.  Well, we have been seizing the day ever since and living as if tomorrow will never come.  In fact, the new slogan is you only live once (YOLO) which just adds to the carpe diem effect.

Is this why condom vending machines showed up in various bathrooms right around that time?  So that we could seize the day?

Our young people are pretty good at seizing the day and living as if they only live once, and their music (with songs like We Are Young [which I happen to like as my daughter pointed out as she read this rant] – click here for my post about that) shows that. 

If we seize the day with the idea that we only live once, we give little thought to the impact that today’s decisions will have on us tomorrow and on the society in general once we are no longer here.  My husband likes to point out that every action we take or thing that we say has a consequence – negative or positive.  I have re-tooled this idea and think that whatever we do or say has a result. 

The problem comes in when we seize the day and act without thinking through all of the possible results.  If we cannot handle the results, we should not act and then hope that none of those results come to be.  And if we thought through this, would we need to have pregnancy tests available in bars, malls, and gyms?

In the end, the problem seems to be here.  The generation that could have turned things around (probably mine) did not.  Instead of trying to help us all think before we act, we have simply gone a step farther and become responsible in our thinking by putting condoms in vending machines and now…pregnancy tests.

Here is something I wonder, though: will having the pregnancy tests in the same vending areas as condoms (as I can only assume they will eventually be) make some people think? 

I envision a great series of signs for the machines:

Condoms are not 100% effective, so be sure to pick up a pregnancy test.

Buy one; get one half off.

You get the idea.

In the end, if a pregnancy test helps women choose not to drink because they know they are pregnant, I am all for that.  As an educator, I have seen the impacts of decisions that mothers have made during pregnancy, and I find it very sad.  I am not convinced that most of them were ignorant to the fact that they were pregnant when they chose to drink.  Perhaps there are statistics that support the fact that FASD is caused by women not knowing that they are pregnant when they choose to drink.  That is not my gut feeling.

There could be residual education that comes from all of this.  The machines that dispense the pregnancy tests have a huge sign on them which point out the dangers of drinking while pregnant.  These machines will be such novelties that women will read the signs just to find out what the deal is.  And then information will be passed on that may not have ever been without this.

I have now read and re-read this post, and I think I am going to leave it the way it is – pretty much unorganized, a think out loud (letting my fingers do the talking…), and a struggle with this concept.

I would love to hear other people’s thoughts about whether or not this is a good idea and why.  I know that I am opening up a potential can of worms, but – as I said in a post a few weeks ago – having an opinion can get us into trouble.  I know that.  I really am struggling through my opinions in this to determine what is best from a societal, parental, and educational stand-point; because of that, I would love to hear thoughts…

Thanks for reading this far!

What Do You Have?

I had been warned about signs like these before I arrived.  In fact, I have seen signs like these in the past when I have been on the east coast because there are all kinds of properties on which others are not allowed. I did not expect to react to the sign the way that I did on my recent vacation in Rockport, MA.  When I saw it for the first time, I thought that I could just let it go.  I thought that I would simply ignore it.  I thought that I could walk away and not feel anything.

But this time I was so angry…

I was not angry because the sign was there.  I was not angry that I could not do as I pleased and continue my walk in another direction with equally beautiful views.  I was not angry about what it said.  I was angry about what it implied.

Those who can put up signs such as these tend to be those who have.  They have something valuable enough to protect behind a sign such as this.  They have; therefore, they protect.  And the sign implied that I was not someone who has; therefore, I must be a have not.  And that thought made me angry.

I want to be someone who has.  I want to be a have!

As I walked along the public footpath (for those who do not have), I came to a sobering and humbling realization about myself and my reaction to this sign. 

 

I am a have. 

 

To say otherwise would be ridiculous when you consider the following:

• I have enough (probably too much) food to eat on a daily basis.
• I have a house that is heated to my satisfaction during the winter and cooled to my satisfaction during the summer.
• I have (and so does my husband) a job.

And the list could go on….and in considering the list, I realized that I do not want to be a have.  I want to be a have more.  It is not those who have who put up signs like this because I am a have, and I have nothing valuable enough (like a potentially AMAZING view of the Atlantic Ocean from my backyard – yes, still struggling with this!) to put up a sign that keeps people away from my valuable things.  But those who have more than I do are in that situation which is clearly shown by these types of signs.

Please do not comment that this is a normal reaction due to human nature and that it is reasonable for me to respond this way.  Sure – I’ll buy that it is normal human behavior to have what we want.  It’s called sin, and it is not reasonable at all.  It is thankless and selfish for me to consider myself a have not when I am clearly a have. 

In fact, I think – were I truly a have not and were reading this post – I would be upset with me after reading all that I have.  Well – the use of “I” for two different people is clearly confusing, so let’s move on from that.

What I mean to say is that I need to be thankful for what I have and not to want more than what I need.  I am not condemning those who have more in this post either – please don’t hear that.  But whatever we have, we are responsible to use well.  What I have – what more I have than I need for daily use – needs to be used well.  I need to consider how best to use the resources I have.  More than that, though, I really needed this lesson in thankfulness because I am so clearly a have. 

How do we stay content with what we have when we are confronted with those who seem to have more?  How do we walk away from the temptation to follow what the have mores are doing when we do not have the resources but might have the credit to do so?  How can we use what we have to better the lives of those who have not?

These were the questions that plagued me throughout my time of rest…and I hope that they continue to plague me even when I am miles away from these signs.

Salt Water Taffy–Yum!

I love one flavor of salt water taffy: peppermint.

I tolerate another: vanilla.

I believe that all other salt water taffy has been created equally: nasty.

While on my personal vacation in Rockport, MA, I happened upon Tuck’s Candies (where they make their own salt water taffy) and thought that I should check out my salt water taffy beliefs to ensure that they still held true.

They do, but I must say that Tuck’s has some of the finest peppermint salt water taffy that I have ever tasted (and that is saying a lot!!).  Yum and thank you, Tuck’s!

I also was thrilled to see that they have a window view of their salt water taffy making process.  I think that more candy shops should do this as we all want to know how they make the candy.

I realize that the photo is a bit flawed, but you get the point!

Would I buy their salt water taffy again?  Indeed – and I did go back for round two.

In case you are wondering, they do have an online store and will ship just about anywhere.  Click here to get to their website.

Happy taffy-ing!

Every Day Heroes: The Bright Side of “The Dark Knight Rises”

Warning: this post will reveal parts of the plot of The Dark Knight Rises.  I am sorry for that, but there is no way to write this post without doing so.  I hope that this has given you enough warning to get out and move on should you decide that you would rather read this after seeing the movie yourself.

As a wife to a man who loves films that make you think and as a mom to a teenage boy who loves films that make you think, I have joined in the theatre-going attendance of most of the Batman films over the years.  I have come to enjoy them for the thrills and special effects, and I have cried during them when a strong humanitarian point is made. 

I have typically found several good messages in the Batman films, but never have I found something so wonderful as the message that I saw in The Dark Knight Rises.

There are several websites devoted to the plotline of this film, so I will not re-hash it here; however, the main idea is – as usual – someone threatens Gotham City, and Batman needs to come to the rescue.  The difference in this film is that Batman has fallen out of favor with the city, and his presence actually adds to the confusion initially.

Imagine – a  super hero falling out of favor with those he protects…

What happens when the one who should protect us becomes someone we fear or hunt?  Complicating this question is what happens when someone assaults us, and we no longer have our super hero to save us?  What must we do?

We must find heroes among those who are not super.  We must find every day heroes.

And that is exactly what happens in The Dark Knight Rises.  Although in the end, Batman comes through with some super hero saving, the majority of the heroics come from two men – ordinary men who step up and do extraordinary acts.

Commissioner Gordon is my first nomination for hero of the movie.  The one issue I have with his character is that he lost his family to the mission of protecting Gotham City, but that seems to happen a lot when characters have to step up their heroics to the height that Gordon has through the past three movies. 

Gordon gets my nomination for the following three reasons:

1. He sticks with the city through a lot of horrible times under the rule of bad-guy-Bane.

2. He has endured the weight of secrecy about how Harvey Dent truly died.

3. He is the character who sits next to the nuclear device while trying to disarm it.

The last of these three is the most amazing to me.  While many could argue that Gordon has less to lose than most on his police force, the fact that the police commissioner is doing anything but directing traffic is admirable. I realize that this is a movie, and his character is being elevated…blah blah blah.

The man is a hero.  He puts his own well-being aside for an entire city.  That is heroic.

Detective John Blake is my second nomination for hero of the movie.  Blake is a sympathetic character having grown up in the orphanage funded by Wayne Enterprises.  He “knows” that Wayne is Batman, and that makes for fun conversation between the two.

Blake gets my nomination for one main reason: he is the man who escorts the children from the orphanage in an attempt to escape the city.  Police officials across the bridge from Gotham have been told to kill anyone attempting to escape.  When Blake and the children arrive at this spot, Blake puts himself in harm’s way in attempt to help the children. While many could argue that he has little to lose but his own (as if that is little?), it is admirable.

The man is a hero. He puts his own well-being aside for a crew of children.  That is heroic.

Why does this matter so much to me?  Why do I care that we have every day heroes shown on our screens?  Why does it matter that these men were elevated above Batman himself to a certain?  Why…???

Our world cannot be helped by super heroes who do not exist.  Our homes cannot find peace with the help of Batman.  Our cities cannot find a path to success with a super hero. 

Instead, we need ordinary men (and women, by the way…) to do extraordinary acts.  We need them put others first.  We need them to act rather than sit.  We need them protect those who need protection and to conquer those who need conquering.  And while we sit and read our blogs from protected points of view, we need to ask ourselves if there is an every day hero inside of each of us.

Instead of being scared and hiding while chaos took over, Gordon and Blake acted.  They did not have any fancy gadgets or great strength.  What they had was a viewpoint that someone needed to act, and that they were each that someone.

What small (or great) heroic act could we perform today if we just believed that we make the difference? What small (or great) heroic act is needed in our neighborhoods, our cities, our states, our nation,…our world?

A Perfect Vacation

The summer after my freshman year in college, I took a road trip – alone – from North Dakota to Rhode Island. It was a perfect vacation. I chose when to eat, what to eat, when to stop, and where to stop. 

It was a perfect vacation.

Planning the perfect vacation has become a challenge now that I am a wife and a mother.  The planning requires more than choosing a destination.  Instead, certain considerations such as educational and fun value as well as distance and cost now have to play into where and when this perfect vacation takes place.  And then there are the other people who go on vacation with me – my family, whom I love dearly.

A vacation without an agenda and without others can be a perfect vacation.

Although the first half of my recent vacation on the east coast was filled with family, food, and fun, the second half of it was intentionally a solitary time.  I have a hard time balancing everything in my life sometimes, and full hard-stop where I do little but eat, sleep, walk, and think is necessary from time to time.  This can be aided with beautiful views, lovely accommodations, and the lack of anyone else I know in a few mile radius.   Add in the lack of transportation (intentional) or agenda, and perfection in this type of vacation can be achieved.

I believe that everyone should take the opportunity to have this kind of vacation at least once in their lifetime and more often than that for some…like me…

There are several elements of this trip that were particularly helpful for me to relax and regain some focus about who I am and what I am to do upon my return.

• I was gifted with a place to stay that had only what I needed and nothing that I could have wanted (television, internet access, etc.).
• I had no transportation, and everything (like a restaurant) was at least one mile away.  This required me to consider the leaving of the condo in terms of how much I wanted whatever it was and if I was willing to do the walking.
• I thought I had a plan while I was here, but I abandoned that the minute I walked in the door and instead chose to rest.
• I brought my own food, and – though it was the same meal several times – it was something that I liked quite a bit.
• I allowed myself to eat out for one meal and have exactly what I wanted (lobster!).
• I made myself eat at least three servings of fruit and vegetable per day.
• I sat and breathed in the sea air a lot.

Most importantly for me, this trip allowed me to spend endless hours by the sea.

For some reason, my soul is revived with the sounds, smells, and sights of the northern Atlantic Ocean.  I cannot explain it, and I think that is the hardest thing for me.  I want to be able to articulate this.  Perhaps if I could figure out what the sea does for me, then I could replicate it wherever I am and in any circumstance.  Instead, when I am away from the sea, I long for the hours that I was blessed to have as I sat on the rocks and watched, smelled, and listened on this vacation.

While I love vacationing with my family – from playing miniature golf to seeing amazing sights such as Niagra Fallls – there are times that I need time to myself.  I doubt that I am alone in this.  In fact, I spoke with my daughter while away, and she was doing an afternoon of time to herself.  Many of us need this, and we feel selfish when we do it.  But if this is a need, then we must set aside time for it and make it happen.  We will return to our daily lives as much healthier beings. 

When we take a bit of time to care for ourselves, we are freed to care for others. 

For me, this included some hard conversations with God.  There are things right now that I do not understand, and I needed to talk to Him about this.  I did not receive any clear answers, but I know that He heard me.  I think that is all that I needed.  And I needed to have time to say it over and over again without the interruptions that typically find me in daily life.  I know He heard.  I know He knows.  I know He cares.

Like the consistency of the tides, so is God’s love for me. Like the beauty of the sea on a sunny day, so is God’s love for me.  Like the comfort of an ocean breeze, so is God’s love for me.  Like the protection of the rocks to the coast, so is God’s love for me.

Those thought permeated my perfect vacation from which I hope to return ready to move forward with all that awaits my return.

A Trip of Contrasts

This post is going to be a quick post with pictures and a few comments. 

This week, I have the joy of being on a trip to the East Coast that encompasses food, family, and fun.  It is also full of contrasts.

I started out my trip with five days of family and friends with a full schedule of …

travel to Mohegan Bluffs (and other areas) on Block Island…

to restaurants such as George’s in Rhode Island…

 

and the urban residential area of Cambridge, MA.

I will finish my trip in with a few days of solitude without interruptions or temptations of cell phone, internet, television…or people.

Pictures to come.

See you after my break!

In the meantime, feel free to peruse through some of the most popular posts I have written this year:

• Hunger Games? Parents: Do Your Job!
• Taylor Swift: Taking On Her Bullies
• “Fifty Shades” of Double Standards
• Adoption – An Outside View
• Indecency=Security and Confirmation?
• To Be Like Tony
• Bipolar Nature
• Empty Chairs at Full Tables

Opinions Get Us Into Trouble

Most of us tend to have an opinion. I sure do – on just about any subject except where we should eat tonight…much to the huz’s chagrin. With technological advances and the trappings that have come with them, we are able to share our opinions with the masses. As the huz likes to quote from despair.com: “Never have so many said so little to so few.”  Having the ability to share our opinions does not always mean that we should.

I found out this week that sharing an opinion can be hard.

After weeks of going back and forth in my mind about whether I should write a blog post about why I was not reading 50 Shades of Grey, I wrote the post…and then I wrote another one because I found the comments that agreed with me so compelling.  I think the second post is where I truly come down on the issue – it’s a double standard to think that women can read explicit material about sexual activity while thinking that men cannot watch sexual activity.  Some may agree but decide that it’s ok for both to go down that road.  That is pretty hard to argue with that, but at least the standards are the same. 

In retrospect, though, the second post is the more reasonable of the two.  The first post could be read as condemning or judgmental of those who disagree with me.  The friend who pointed that out to me did so gently, and I appreciated that.  We need to learn how to communicate respectfully with one another in this public realm if we are going to continue to have conversations via social media.  If I came across as judgmental, I want to apologize.  It was not my intention.  Rather, my intention was to sound the alarm and to wake up what I have observed to be a blind following of the latest fad.

This week has been hard on me emotionally.  I chose to share my opinion in the public realm – one that I had thought through and talked through with the huz – and some people disagreed with me.  I am ok with that.  If someone did not disagree with me,  I would have to question the necessity of the post at all. Several people who disagreed with me did so in very respectful ways.  One woman hesitated to write her response, and it was obvious that she had gone out of her way to be respectful toward me in her disagreement.  I so appreciated that!!!  I actually hope that she is reading this so that she can be thanked publically.

What I had not experienced to the extent that I did this week was the way in which others would anonymously disagree with me in a less respectful manner such as the one below.

“I don't think I have ever read anything more hypocritical than this."

This went to my core!  I am sure that I am hypocritical in areas of my life, and I would like to reprimanded appropriately when that happens.  What hurt so much was that there was no explanation as to why!  The friend who suggested that the post may come across as condemning of those who did read the book did so in a way that was truthful without being mean to me – she was gentle and even questioned if her reading of it that way could be her own struggle with the book.  But the anonymous commenter who called me hypocritical – well, let’s just say that it felt mean to me.

And then I realized that what I have said all along about social media is true.  The anonymous nature of social media allows us to behave poorly, to call each other names, and to say things without full explanation or critical thought.  This means that we are not entering into engaging respectful conversation about critical issues such as health care reform, so-called marriage amendments, and literature that may or may not promote a view of sexuality that is unhealthy.

By the very nature of having an opinion, we are going to disagree with someone else on some issues. And that is ok!  This is the beauty of living in the United States.  We are entitled to our opinion, we are protected by the Constitution to share it, and we often are asked to vote about it.  We live in a nation that seems more divided than united on most issues.  Presidents are elected by margins, governor races often require recounts because of how close they are, and referendums pass or fail by the skin of their teeth.

We live in a nation that seems more divided than united on most issues.

The flip side of my experience was watching the experimental experience of a friend who posted on Facebook that she would like to have a civil conversation about the repeal of the Affordable Healthcare Act.  It worked.  And here is why: she stated that she wanted to have a civil conversation.  She set up the expectations, and people carefully chose their words.  But everyone could still say what they needed to say, share their thoughts, and even disagree with each other.  69 comments later, I think that people on both sides of the issue understood each other better, some may have started agreeing with other people, and – for the most part – everyone felt heard. Props to her!

What have I learned this week about conversations via social media?

1. If I do not want people to disagree with me, I should not post about issues that will for certainly (isn’t that a great phrase?  “for certainly” – it is correct, too, because it is an adverb!) cause a disagreement.
2. I need tougher skin so that I do not take anonymous, hurtful comments to heart.
3. There are ways that we can set up conversations to be more respectful in nature.  I’m obviously still learning on this one!
4. Nothing can replace an in-person conversation
5. Social media allows for many from all over the world – who may not have ever been in the same conversation otherwise – to participate in these discussions.

What to do next? I, for one, will recover from this week by relaxing on the beaches of Rhode Island and Massachusetts for the next week, hug a cousin’s baby, and laugh with my grandmother over (hopefully) baked stuffed shrimp.

Happy Friday!

"Fifty Shades" of Double Standards

The ways that men and women experience most things in life differ more often than not. Women tend to experience life through words. Men tend to do so through images. Because of these differences, it can be hard to know when a double standard occurs. As a woman, I feel the impact of double standards on almost a daily basis.  Men can talk a certain way, act a certain way, and be treated a certain way…I can’t.

Double standards hurt when they impact me as a woman.  I should be equally as appalled when a double standard impact the men around me.

When I married my husband, I did so for better or for worse.  Over the course of our seventeen years of marriage, there have been times of each.  Never, however, have we had to deal with issues that would arise from him watching or looking at porn.  I cannot imagine what that would do to me as his wife.  I cannot imagine what that would do to our marriage.  I just simply cannot imagine it.  As I write these words, I get a little anxious knowing full well that many women have dealt with this or do deal with it.  I doubt that it would be a marriage breaker for us because I believe in the power of Christ, but it would be a pretty hard thing to deal with.

As the Fifty Shades of Grey has recently swept across my radar, I have had little to no interest in reading the book.  I never thought that I would write a blog post about the book (not having read it – I am typically pretty opposed to doing something like that), but I found that I had to defend why I was not reading it and encourage others to stay away as well.  I shared my reasons in a post a few days ago.  Several friends had asked why I was not reading it, and it just became easier to write a blog post.

I never thought that I would write a follow up post, but the comments on the various blogs have led me to write this post. 

My favorite:

We would have a cow if our Christian bros were reading/watching this type of stuff and supporting the objectification of women... so why is the reverse considered acceptable? Um, it's not.

So true…

If we, as women, are opposed to our husbands, brothers, fathers, and male friends watching  or looking at pornography, we – as women -  have to oppose reading Fifty Shades of Grey.  In the same way that I do not have to watch a pornographic film to know that I should not watch it, I do not have to read the book to know that I should not read it.

Because we (male vs female) tend to experience life differently, men are drawn to images while women are drawn to words.  This is only difference between “adult” films and “adult” reading.  If we, as women, do not recognize this in ourselves, we need to step back and consider.  They both have the same end through different means. And the same end needs to be avoided.

If not, then a double standard is being applied.  We, as women, are continuously up in arms about the double standards that we seem to encounter often.  We should be able to spot a double standard when we see it.  And when we do, we need to acknowledge it and listen to it.

What happens if the double standard continues in this area?  The men in our lives will soon realize it, and the voice against “adult entertainment”…an industry that damages so many…will fall on deaf ears. If that happens, our world will see a new era of darkness.

Mark, a commenter from the areavoices.com site on which I post, stated it perfectly:

When do we as individuals and as a nation start to mourn, rather than celebrate, the slow but sure degradation of our morals into a miry shade of grey where war can be peace and hate can be love? I fear the wake-up call for many will be at the moment when they desperately need human compassion to rescue them from a helpless situation and they only receive cold indifference from those whom they thought were family and friends.

It’s time for us to wake up and stand up – stand against all forms of entertainment that blur the lines of appropriate and healthy relationships.

I know that I am drawing the line in the sand with these posts.  I know that I have taken a stand that may be unpopular.  But when my gut says that something is ugly, it is usually right.  And if my gut asks me to share my view with others, the mind will not quiet until the fingers obey and share what is on my heart.  I respectfully welcome the thoughts of others and only ask that you be respectful toward me in your disagreement. 

Through all who have disagreed with me so far, the one thing that I have yet to hear is what redeeming value this book has. Is there any?

Black, White, and “Fifty Shades of Grey”

The older I get, the less convinced I am about absolutes.  As a teacher, I know that some of this has to do with stages of development. As a critical thinker, I think that this has to do with gathering more information and seeing concepts from different angles.  Some things are black and white – easy to get to the answer and then move on.  More and more, though, I find that I live in the grey areas (even the spelling of the color is an area such as this!).

There is nothing grey about whether or not to read 50 Shades of Grey.  Just don’t.

I tend to get really angry when people make statements about books or movies that they have not read or seen.  How can someone say something so absolute about a book or a movie if they have not experienced it?  For that reason, I read the Harry Potter series when it came out (and loved it, thank you very much!).  And for that reason, I read the Twilight series when it came out (I would like those hours back, please).  In researching both of these series, the jury was completely divided, and I needed to decide for myself.

With Fifty Shades of Grey, deciding for myself means that I do not need to read it.

Reason #1

When I looked up this book on amazon.com, the classification is erotic fiction. This is not a genre that I tend to frequent, and I do not intend to start now.

Reason #2

As I researched the book a bit, I discovered that it originated as “fan fiction” following the Twilight series.  I will not reiterate my distaste for the Twilight books, but readers can find the blogs and read my objections (fyi: my objections have nothing to do with the fact that vampires are in the books).  The bottom line for me was that more unhealthy relationships was not something that I wanted to read; I had already lost enough of my life to the Twilight series itself.

Reason #3

I barely have time (or perhaps TAKE TIME) to read books that actually have some redeeming value. Why would I spend my time reading something that lacks value and pollutes my mind? A Facebook friend posted a link to 101 Books to Read This Summer Instead of Fifty Shades of Grey. I am ashamed to admit that I have read less than half of the books on the list.

Reason #4

In my research, I happened upon a couple of blog posts that made so much sense about why we should stay away from this book (which is now a series!?!?!?).  The first author’s reasonable and Biblical approach made so much sense to me.  I highly suggest that you click here and read the post yourself.  I discovered that I resonated with this woman’s reasoning, and it held true for me.  The second post came via Relevant Magazine and highlighted the dulling of our conscience that occurs when we read and accepts books such as these.  The amount of sexual violence - the “dominant” (man) can do whatever her likes with the “submissive” (woman) – in the book can dangerously blind us to the real, living crimes that take place against women around the world each day.

 

As a wife, teacher, pastor’s wife, mentor, mother, and friend, I implore all women to consider what this book/series does to our minds and hearts.  This is not fluff; this is damaging stuff, and we should stay away.  I had no intention of writing a blog post about this book, but I recently realized that we all need to take a stand.

Are you willing to take a stand against domestic and relational violence by spreading the word that this book is damaging to our view of marriage and relationships?

To Dream the Impossible Dream…

Yesterday was July 4 – Independence Day for those of us in the United States whose country started as a dream and became a reality.  I cannot imagine what it was like for many of ancestors to board boats from their countries of origin and set out for what they hoped was better than what they left behind. 

It probably seemed impossible.  Yet – because they dreamed it – we have a country now where freedoms exist like they do nowhere else.  They dreamed an impossible dream, and yesterday we remembered that. And I am thankful.

On Sunday, my family attended a production of Man of La Mancha at the St Croix Festival Theatre. We know the man who played the lead – Don Quixote – and the musical is one of my favorites.  The show is actually a show within a show.  The story set in reality takes place during the Spanish Inquisition.  Miguel Cervantes – author of the book Don Quixote de la Mancha – is in jail awaiting his trial for crimes against the Catholic Church.  While waiting, he pulls the other inmates into the musical telling of Don Quixote who believes himself to be a knight fighting giants (windmills) and wooing the lady Dulcinea (a prostitute named Aldonza).

When he describes his quest, Quixote sings a moving song that brings tears to my eyes pretty much every time I see the production (or even hear it on my car stereo…).  You can watch a performance by the original Broadway performer by clicking here. 

The lyrics (taken from the Reel Classics website) are amazing:

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star

Every time I hear this song, I am moved.  But, as I watched the performance on Sunday – only days after attending the Search Institute’s training about one of their Big Ideas called Sparks, I realized that Don Quixote is inspiring because he has found his spark!

According to Search Institute’s website, “Sparks are the interests that inspire, the activities that energize. Sparks are the special abilities uniquely yours to tend, to grow, to share with the world.” 

Don Quixote’s spark is to fight for the ability see the world in the most positive light possible…he wants to dream the impossible dream and bring others along in what other characters in the musical see as madness.  But for Quixote, the dream is not madness – it is what gives him life.  It is what allows him to thrive.  And when the spark is put out, Quixote nearly dies.

Search Institute has a cool formula that shows how a young person’s spark helps them to thrive:

Spark 

+  3 champions (adults who support the spark/the young person) 

+  opportunity

= thriving

 

Over 200 years ago, 13 colonies and the Committee of Five had a dream that seemed impossible, but it came true. We are evidence of that today. Imagine what would be different if that spark had been put out. Imagine what would be different if they had chosen not to follow that quest and do the impossible.

What impossible dream does a young person in your life have? What spark does that young person have and how can you or someone else help it along?

Rap, Country, and Domestic Violence

I love music.

I love listening to all types of music.  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, our whole family loves listening to music. To the shock and surprise of many people, I may even dabble in music that is not entirely wholesome.  I do not submerse myself in this music, but I do like to keep on top of what is out there influencing the youth (and adults) of our society.

As I drove to Village Creek Bible Camp to pick up my kiddos a few weeks ago, I flipped through the radio stations.  I started off listening to the live broadcast of the “up north” disaster due to the flooding. I have to admit that I am a bit of a disaster-freak.  I like knowing what is happening when there is a disaster.  This was one of those times. 

Side note: I am completely devastated by the fact that the suspension bridge over the St Louis River in Jay Cooke State Park is gone.  This is not an easy reality for me to accept.

Back to music…

After an hour and half of disaster coverage and then thirty minutes of a documentary about CCC camps during the New Deal era (quite fascinating – click here for the whole story), I started finding music stations more than news stations.  I like to drive to country music, but for some reason I did not stay on the country station long.  I always pause for a station giving the weather report, so I did that.  I heard a few songs on the 80s station, but then I moved on to a genre which I rarely enjoy but often find intriguing.

Rap.

A song ended in all of its hip-hoppy glory.  After a few moments of between-song silence, a haunting minor melody sung by a female filled my car.

You’re gonna stand there and watch me burn

Well that’s alright because I like the way it hurts

I turned up the volume.

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry

Well, that’s alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

And then – out of nowhere – a male voice in full rap rhythm took over.  He was angry, driven – taunting the girl. (You can read the full lyrics on directlyrics.com or watch the video on YouTube).  Be warned – there is explicit language in this song).

She replied with the same haunting melody and words.

And they went back and forth like this for about four minutes.  Both of them convinced and certain about how they felt as well as being resigned to the fact that they could not live without each other.  They are a tornado and a volcano – bound to blow up at each other but so happy when they are calm.

Until she crosses the line and decides to leave.  His response? 

To tie her to a bed and set the house on fire.

The song ended, and I drove the rest of the way to camp where I was distracted by good things.  It was not until the kids and I were on the return drive home that I remembered how impacted by the song I had been.  I told the kids about it.  They both thought the song was a bit twisted.

When we arrived home, I did what we all do in the twenty-first century: I looked the song up on the internet.  My heart sunk when I saw the artist’s name: Eminem – someone of whom I am not entirely a fan because of the number of swear words he notoriously uses in his songs.  Unlike the radio version, the YouTube version is ripe with the f-bomb.

I have now listened to the song several times.  It is powerful as is the video (again, not exactly G-rated), and I want to say that we need to recognize this as a warning about where some relationships go very wrong.  I say that I want to say this because I hesitate to say so.

The problem that I have right now with most media forms is how accessible it is for everyone – young and old.  Music, movies, music videos, and all forms of written expression from news to blogs (like this one) are available at a mouse-click.  And it is the young minds for which I am concerned when it comes to this song.

As a parent, teacher, pastor’s wife, and thinker, this song touches me in so many ways.  I hear the beauty in the female’s minor melody; I sense the frustration with the relationship in the male’s rapping story-telling; and I feel the conflict between them.  More than any of that, though, I react strongly to the violence in this relationship and the awful ending to this story. 

I recognize this as a warning about struggling relationships and their need for someone – or many someones – to intercede and help them to end the physical conflicts as well as the conflicts that push them toward the violence.

As a parent, teacher, pastor’s wife, and thinker, this song pushes me away in so many ways.  I hear the song of the siren as it pulls in young people to see this as the way that relationships just happen to go; I sense the frustration of young people as they see these types of relationships in their own homes and in the media; and I feel the conflict in young people who sense that this is not how it should be but do not necessarily have role models that confirm that sense.

I recognize that, in the wrong hands, this song only promotes the misunderstanding that many young people already have about the hopeless state of the relationships around them.

It is this conflict that pushes my hesitation.  It is the recognition that media, when unchecked by healthy and caring adults, promotes and misleads rather than educates the young people around us.  It is the realization that we see few clear and positive messages in the hands of our young people. And it is the realization that students do not think critically all of the time but rather soak things in and make those messages truth.

To be clear: I am not putting down this song nor am I putting down rap.  In fact, the same conflict occurs in me when I hear the country song “Independence Day” (by the way – Happy 4th of July!) which speaks to domestic violence having a brutal (fiery) end as well.  Martina McBride sings of a woman whose husband beats her and thinks that “the only way” out is to burn up the house with him and her inside.

This post has taken two weeks to compose.  I have struggled and struggled with it.  While these songs raise awareness of the domestic violence that occurs, I fear that – in the wrong hands without the proper guidance – the message is lost.

Should I be able to come down on these songs and say that they have no place?  Or should I be able to say that they are providing a public service?

What do readers think?

Common Sense (Assets) Rocks!

Having been a parent and an educator for over 15 years, I have seen how concepts cycle around.  What was a hard and fast rule yesterday may be seen as merely a fad today.  It can be hard to keep up, and technology truly only makes it worse as we have access to oodles of websites with contradictory information.

What seems to make the most sense – what should be common sense – probably should be the approach that one pursues in both the parenting and education arenas.  If it makes sense, it probably does so for a reason!

And for that reason, I have been drawn to Search Institute’s asset approach for years thanks to a colleague/supervisor who introduced me to them while I completed my guidance counseling internship.  And for that reason, I have been drawn to their parenting initiative – ParentFurther – recently.

Last week, I had the opportunity to attend three days of training hosted by the Search Institute, and two of the days focused on building assets in school communities. 

Side note: any non-educator parent or community member could have attended the school community training and taken away as much as the educators did. This is one of the nuggets of the concept; it crosses all barriers and asks us all to participate in creating a more healthy and more positive future for all children.

What are these development assets?¹

1. 40 positive experiences and qualities in 8 categories focusing on external structures, relationships, and activities as well as internal values, skills, and beliefs.
2. Common wisdom about the kinds of positive experiences and characteristics that young people need and deserve.
3. Positive behaviors and attitudes which influence achievement and help protect young people from many different problem behaviors.
4. Common elements across gender, ethnic heritage, economic situation, or geographic location.

According to Search Institute’s research (which has been verified and replicated by outside sources), the more assets that a child has in their toolkit the more likely to exhibit  succeed in school (get mostly As on report card) and the less likely to engage in high-risk behaviors.  Why are we not all jazzed about this?????

Seriously!  As parents, community members, and educators, we spend hours and hours trying to determine solutions to really big problems.  But Search Institute already has the answer – promote the developmental assets!  It sounds too simple, right?  And it is.  Many of us already do these things, but we might not realize that we could do them more or that we could expand our sphere of influence by doing them with kids in our neighborhoods or in the store.

The sad thing: on average, young people report having 20.1 assets.²  I put together the chart below from information in “The Asset Approach.”  Across the bottom is the number of assets that youth reported having while vertical numbers show the percentage of youth who reported those numbers.

Wouldn’t it be great if that looked like the graph below instead????

While this might be a lofty dream, we all can play a part…and more students can have more assets when we all focus on our youth.  They are our future!

To support us in all of this, Search Institute has trainings, they train trainers, they provide surveys (I want my kids to take these…), and they have a vast library of books to order.  In addition to all of the things that cost money, they have oodles of free stuff online at both Search-Institute.org and ParentFurther.com – who also provides a monthly (free) webinar (third Wednesday of each month) about current issues. 

I love free stuff!!  And the resources are great.  As I have snooped around on the websites, I have found the list of the assets, suggestions about how to encourage student and build the assets, and ways that the assets help students.

Great nugget: This is not another program; this is an approach.  Any already established school, youth program, church, family, or neighbor could adopt this way of thinking without re-creating a program.  What it does require is that people become more intentional. And it may require some people to do things that they had not thought to do. 

 

Encouraging youth should be on all of our “to do” lists each day.  If we do not know how, we can go to the website and get some ideas.  One of my favorite stories from the training last week was about an elderly woman who decided that she would smile at youth as she passed them on the street or in the store.  That was her one thing! 

 

Can you smile?  Then you can encourage…who will I smile at today?

 

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Footnotes

1. These definitions are taken from a publication titled “The Asset Approach” and are used in accordance with their copyright.  More information can be found at the website: search-institute.org.

2.  From page 4 of “The Asset Approach.”