Wanderings and Wonderings

There is a Christmas song that starts, "I wonder as I wander out under the stars." These two words - wander and wonder - just one letter in difference and yet such a powerful difference in the two words. They can describe so much, and together they can define us. The define me.

I wander, and I wonder.

I wander more in my mind than in my body any more. I wander from where I am working to places far away - in my mind. I wander from the daily grind to a beach - in my mind. I wander...in ways that are spiritual as I "wander" away from the God who directs my path...why would I wander from that?

I wonder why some things happen to some people while not to those who seem to deserve it. I wonder if I will see that person in heaven...we all have "one of those people." I wonder why God would send His Son to die for me...


Ultimately, though...I wonder why I wander....

"The Phantom of the Opera" and Co-dependency

Tonight I saw "The Phantom of the Opera" at the Orpheum in Minneapolis. I saw the musical for the first time in NYC when I was 16 (WAY back in 1990) with my Auntie Toni; my parents thought it would make a great 16th birthday present, and they were right. I've seen it once or twice since then, and I can sing along with the entire 2 1/2 hours. My daughter has joined me in her love of the musical as well, and she is in love with it almost as much as I am.

When I watched the movie for the 2nd or 3rd time (yes, I am hooked), I realized something that I had never realized before...Christine Daae is a young woman in a very unhealthy relationship, and she struggles to know what she should do about it. I do believe that, in some ways, she is in love with the Phantom. He has allowed her song/soul to take flight in a way that she never thought possible. However, once she truly sees the man behind the mask (emotionally as much/more so than physically), she is repulsed at the evil that is revealed.

Christine then is faced with what to do, and she essentially "breaks it off" with the phantom - only to go directly into a rebound relationship with Raul. For the remainder of the musical, she remains torn between the man who will protect her (Raul) and the man who demands to possess her (the phantom). In the final interchange between her and the phantom, she claims to despise him in one line and kisses him in the next. True - she is attempting to save Raul's life with this act, but the music leads us to believe that there is tenderness and care being expressed on some level.

Christine is depicted as a weak/timid character in the beginning of the musical, but with the phantom's help, she becomes an accomplished opera diva. One gets the sense that on her own, she is a frightened child...and her confidence lies in the "angel of music who sings songs in her head." Raul becomes her confidence later and does assist her in getting out the grasp of the phantom. However, overall - Christine has no ability to be confident on her own. She needs a man in her life - no matter how unhealthy the relationship is - in order to have the confidence she needs to be this accomplished opera diva...first the phantom and then Raul.

I love this musical - I really, really do. The music is in a class of its own, and the variety of genre within the musical (opera with electric guitar - what would Wagner say???) is by far one of the most appealiing aspects of the musical.

What concerns me, however, is the message of the musical as it pertains to its heroine. The message that it sends is that a woman needs a man in her life....no matter who he is. And if he turns out to be dangerous, just find another one to help you get out of the mess.

I would be just as concerned if the tragic figure of the phantom were a phantomess...so this is not a feminist movement moment...the fact is that the musical does not portray one healthy relationship, and that concerns me. The scary part is that it has taken me 5-7 times of watching the musical to really flesh that out.

Coke Reduction Project, Day #8

I'm not sure if anyone has been checking here to see if I would elaborate about my success or confess my "falling off the wagon" in terms of my battle with Coca-Cola...but I thought I should update - especially for my own recording purposes.

Last Sunday, I wanted to have more than I should. I even bought a 20 oz while I was driving someone to Elk River. And I promptly spilled most of the bottle. What a bummer but what a laugh!

Monday (my birthday): I only had 1 can because I went to bed before drinking the 2nd can.

Tuesday: my boss gave me 8 twelve ounce bottles for my birthday. Now I have to leave dated cans in the fridge at home if I drink the bottles at work. Not too hard to do.

So far - I'm doing alright. I'm much more thirsty than when I drink too much Coke...and that is interesting!

Covers are Comforting!

We are in Aberdeen, SD, for the weekend visiting Kerry's mom and dad. Last night as I went to bed, I started out too warm for covers but then could not fall asleep. I pulled up the sheet, and I felt a bit better but still could not sleep. I added the blanket and finally the quilt until the weight of the covers comforted me, and I could sleep.

As I was falling asleep, I contemplated how these covers were symbolic for me of the way that God clothed Adam and Eve in the garden when they discovered their sin and then again in the clothing us with righteousness that He provides for us through His son, Jesus.

As I discussed the blog post with Kerry, he reminded me that there is an entire theology about clothing in the Bible. It makes sense to me.

When we are sinful, we often talk about shame being an exposing feeling (that feeling of nakedness). When we confess those things to God, He is able to clothe us and re-clothe us in the righteousness that we have available to us because of what Christ did for us on the cross.

I need to remember to take comfort in the covers - the clothing that God provides...

Today is My Birthday!!!!

I am 35 years old today. And most of the time I feel like I'm a lot younger than that, but I do like the "respect" that I am afforded by most because of the grey hair on my head. Who am I kidding??? :)

Things that I should get to do today because it is my birthday:
1. Sleep in. (My husband thinks that I did, but I wanted to sleep longer...kept getting text messages and voicemails. Those who love me waited until after 9 which is the official start to any day.)
2. Stay in my pajamas all day long until I can no longer stand it and realize that I have to shower. (Mostly true so far...but it is only 9:35 a.m. - see #1.)
3. Have the day off from work. (Not! I could have taken a PTO day, but I've used a lot this year and feel the need to hoard them - what if I need them for some real emergency or "good idea" - like going away with my husband?)
4. Drink more cans of Coke than I have agreed to do. (Please note that my daughter advocated for this, and I am the one who shot her down. If we make exceptions for birthdays, anniversaries, and every day that ends in -y, how will we maintain the integrity of the agreement? And, please note - I agreed to the Coke reduction plan.)
5. Receive a check from President Obama in the amount of my choosing. (I would want this to come from his personal account - not the government!!!!) Today, I choose $50K; I figure shoot high - maybe I'll get something!
6. See people I love and want to see...and no one else. (This presents the obvious problem of how to have this happen without hurting people's feelings - a value of mine.)
7. Be treated to a massage and spa pedicure at Kally Lily salon in Coon Rapids - free of charge to me or anyone else. (No explanation needed here.)
8. Eat a special-ordered ice cream cake - sans chocolate ice cream - from Dairy Queen. (Check. I heard the pastor order it himself - with me reminding him that I do like the fudge and chocolate sprinkles.)
9. Be at the beach in Rhode Island - Beaver Tail Lighthouse - for the sunrise.
10. Get #1-9 and then stall time...for about a week....or maybe a year.

May 16 - Coke Reduction Project Day #1

My husband just convinced me to reduce my consumption of Coca-Cola.

Today is Day #1.

12 days - 2 (12 oz) cans/day.

12 days - 2 (8 oz) cans/day.

12 days - 1 (12 oz can/day

12 days - 1 (8oz) can/day

My only thoughts right now is that I really have to do this. Coke is causing my system to hurt me back, and I don't know why I do this to myself. Maybe that is something that I need to figure out, huh?

Exhausted

I am really tired tonight.

Long week.

Good week.

It is only Wednesday....

Being Real

I'm mulling over a previous post...my own post...on FreedomWorks.

Wouldn't it be easier for our "crimes" to be public knowledge like those going through FreedomWorks?

Here is my thinking: These men have been convicted of crimes, and those crimes are public record. When someone enters into relationship with any of them (there is a mentoring piece to the program), there is not anything like "what will he think of me?" going on like we have inside our heads when we meet new people who know nothing about us.

I am not saying that I want all of my sins on record for all to read...because I am not required to do so, I would prefer that they remain private and in my control of with whom I share them. However, I do wonder if we would pretty much get over ourselves if they were public record.

Could you imagine how much nicer that would be? My crimes listed for you to read would definitely be something worth reading!

Stacy the Angry
Stacy the Stubborn
Stacy the Resentful
Stacy the Gossip
Stacy the Liar (just little "white" ones so that people's feelings aren't hurt, right??)

The list could easily go on - and that would just be today! :) I know...I'm kidding a bit, but I"m not!

Prior to deciding if you want to truly befriend me or not, I could just hand over my wrap-sheet (not sure if that is the correct spelling of that term - don't think I've ever used it before!). You then could look it over and decide if I were friend-worthy. We could even do it over the internet so that I wouldn't have to see your rejection! You could consider if you want to be my friend, and you wouldn't have to wait to see if I were a good or bad person because you would know that my list of crimes existed, what they were, and so on.

The truth is that Christ came to conquer our crimes. While they might be part of our history, that is what they are - history. Conquered history. The sad part is that we often live our lives as if we are still bound to that history - to those crimes. Christ came to set us (sinners) free from the chains of our crimes. We keep ourselves in jail when He has already paid the price to open those doors.

The main character of Nathaniel Hawthorne's book, The Scarlet Letter, is required to wear a scarlet letter "A" as punishment for being an adultress. She will not name the father of the child. (Spoiler warning in case you haven't read the book!) The person with whom she had an affair is the town's pastor, and she will not name him as the baby's father. Hester lives out her life with the "A" on her chest. Dimmesdale, the pastor, punishes himself daily for his crime. He is ruined because of having to keep a secret.

There is something to confessed sin that frees us. Agreeing with God about our sin is healing for our soul. Confessing to another person also brings healing. When we hide from God and others, we will be ruined.

I am not advocating for constant self-revealing. However, I do think we need to be a little more real with one another. For one thing, it would be nice for us to have each other on equal ground. Unless I share my struggles, my sins, with others, how will they know that I struggle? And how then will they know that struggle is part of our Christian life? And how will they be encouraged to accept their struggles and persevere through them? If I put on some facade that illustrates a false Christianity, I am doomed myself. More than that, though, I rob others of the truth that struggle is what we do and that our struggles are redeemed by the blood of Christ.

Sitting in the Back Pew

As the pastor's wife, I usually sit in the front row of the church during the service. Our row is full of our family and extended (not biological) family. It's hard to explain, but they are our family. Enough said there.

Anyway - back to my point. Today I felt rotten and slept through Sunday school (literally - at home in my own bed), and I actually arrived at church after the service started. Because I didn't feel well, I decided to stay in the back of the church rather that sit in my usualy row. I did this so that I could leave if necessary without drawing too much attention to myself. I discovered some things while sitting in the back pew.

1. My husband's preaching is great no matter where I sit.
2. There are some people in the back few rows who sit there to make a quick, unnoticed entrances and exits.
3. The music is slightly muffled in the back pew because the balcony juts out over the top of the back rows. This is not a good thing.
4. It is hard not to notice what other people are doing when I sit that far back. This is something that I knew intutively, but now I know it for real.
5. I like the front of the church better than the back - I felt like I wasnt really there.

Living in Community

I want to start off by saying "thank you" to Sarah at lifeintheparsonage.blogspot.com for inspiring me to return to this way of life - the blogging life. :) It is good. I'm trying, trying, trying to make this a nightly routine.

Tonight is not a unique night. My husband is away in Chicago (most Thursdays he is somewhere - FreedomWorks usually), we picked up the Spears youngest 2 from their softball game (they lost - sad news), Siah played capture the flag at Loring with the neighborhood led by the gym teacher there, and Beth and I made a quick trip to the St. Louis Park library to grab something for listening while driving. Then the fun began. Trinette (neighbor across the street) and Beth played text tag, and it ended with Beth and Trinette bopping over to the Afgani pizza place (Crescent Moon). All are home now - watching the first in the Lord of the Rings series. Another friend or two may stop in at some point after 10 p.m.

My front door and back door are almost always open - and many people know that they are welcome whenever. My house will almost always be on the edge of clean or dirty (not usually in an unhealthy way). My kids will still have first priority over most anyone. We may continue to cook, clean, or pay the bills around our visitors, but time for listening and laughter (or tears) are always here.

While this may scare others, this is just our life. I have always wanted a home that people could just stop in and be themselves - apparently we have that. The only thing that I don't have is the kitchen booth - but my friend Jen has that. :)

It's a good life.

Writing Music and Other Creative Items

Siah (my 12 yr old) has taken up electric guitar; he is getting quite good at a quick pace. He decided to write a song last night, and I love it.

I love the creative element of who God has made us to be. I want to blog. My son wants to write music. My daughter paints and writes poetry. My husband sculpts God's word into images that the congregation takes away each week. We are creative.

We are created in the image of God as creative people. Gardening, putting together gifts, and any other "hidden" or "odd" talent that we have are evidence of our creative nature.

Will we use it for God's glory?

FreedomWorks

Tonight I had an amazing opportunity to hear about a ministry here in Minneapolis - FreedomWorks. It's a ministry to men who have been incarcerated and released. The ministry focuses on mentoring, providing them with a life (home, job search help, transportation), and fellowship.

It was a great informational night.

But it was also a great night to remember what Christ has done for us. One of the comments in the informational video really hit me: "At first I thought we were miles apart, but then I realized that we are not that different." In other words, we are all sinners (Romans 3:23), and we are all in need of a Savior (Romans 6:23; John 3:16).

I think something that bugs me "in the church" is that we think of ourselves as the "in" crowd and view people outside of the church as "those people." We forget that we are all in need of a Savior. The fact that I might have realized that only places more burden on me - it doesn't make me any better than anyone else. This past weekend, I spoke at a camp, and I made the comment that sin is sin - it doesn't matter if I am late to work or murder my neighbor - sin is sin in God's eyes.

While these men coming out of prison certainly need a Savior and need fellowship to help them keep from heading back to a life of crime, I think there is a lot we all can learn from them. In order for any of us to keep from sinning more or "returning" to our life prior to Christ, we need to be honest and open with each other about our struggles.

These men that FreedomWorks support have an advantage over many of us - their crimes are public record. What if my sins were public record? Would I be better off? To a certain extent, I think I would be...especially if others around me surrounded me with love and mentoring and prayer.

Thankful

I have spent the better part of the past week on the road and without my family. That is not the part that I'm thankful for...I really can't wait to be with them all on Tuesday!!!
-Wed/Thurs: Siren, WI for work
-Fri/Sat/Sun: Village Creek Bible Camp
-Sun/Mon/Tues: Brainerd, MN for work

This morning I woke up in an unbelievable bed (with GREAT pillows) and a decent lake view. I attended a few sessions at the conference, presented, and then crashed for the afternoon. I'm headed back to bed now (still early for me!!).

I'm so thankful that God provides rest when we aren't able to create it for ourselves. Why is He so kind to me? To provide a great room with a great bed to spend the day resting - that is care.

Nearly three months have passed

Wow...I have not blogged for nearly 3 months. And the last time I blogged, I had just returned FROM camp. Tonight, I am actually blogging AT camp! :)

I just happened upon a new blog (lifeintheparsonage.blogspot.com), and it has inspired me. Actually - one of the worship team members told me about the blog. Anyway - after reading the blog posts, I am inspired...to try to blog more frequently and less "in depth." I know, Billie Jo, you told me this 3 months ago. :) Yes, thanks.

I am wiped out tonight, and I am heading to bed soon. Jen Woyke and I have been the speakers this weekend at camp; I finished up tonight - she has to deal with Sunday morning. :)

Our topic was great; what to do when life doesn't go the way you expected. Finding joy in the midst of the trials...that is a hard topic.

The ending thoughts:

So when life doesn’t look the way we think it should…
-Don’t despair because God is in control and has a plan
-Remember that we don’t praise God because of our circumstances; we praise Him because He is God
-Remember that God redeems
-Know that Jesus Loves Me