To Be Gracious

On Tuesday, I drove many miles for an appointment that ended up not happening because the young lady that I was to meet became ill.  Unfortunately, I had actually arrived at the meeting place by the time that she told me about the change of events. Either way, time spent on the road at the end of the school year meant that I could actually listen to the radio rather than make phone calls the entire time. 

I think I needed to think that day because I have been thinking ever since…

On both the drive to the meeting place and the drive back to the office – on two different radio stations (yes, I use all 6 pre-sets on my car radio) – I heard a song by Mumford and Sons that challenged my thinking and has made me sit back and think and think and think some more.

Typically, my thinking has to do with other people’s behavior, and this allows me to feel as though I have it all together (yeah…right…), but on this particular day, one line continued to hit me over and over…and it hit me squarely in my heart, mind, and soul.

The song is Roll Away Your Stone, and you can listen to it/watch the band perform it by clicking here, and you can read the lyrics in their entirety by clicking here.

I have to be honest that writing what I am about to write is not easy for me.  It is humbling to share in this way, but this blog has always been about being honest and putting myself out there in the hopes that perhaps others can avoid the stupid moves I have made.

If you have listened to the lyrics and/or read them, can you guess couplet has challenged me?  The picture below is both a space holder to give you time to guess as well as a hint.

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,

But, you say that's exactly how this grace thing works

 

This couplet has kept me awake at night and has made me rethink who I am and how I approach others.

Who am I? 

Am I someone who allows others to burn their bridges with me and still give them another chance?

Nope.

This song…this couplet…has sent me for a loop, and I am not sure how to fix it. 

I realized as the day went on during the day on Tuesday that I am judgmental.  I have known this for a long time, but it became quite apparent as a sadness that I felt in the morning due to a circumstance out of my control that broke my heart was replaced by anger when other circumstances which were also out of my control simply made me angry.

Those for whom I felt sadness would likely experience grace from me; however, those whose actions flamed my anger might not.  In fact, I found that I flippantly spoke of them later in the day as I relayed the experience to a friend.

And why would this person stay my friend? 

In fact, why is anyone still my friend when I talk this way about others?

I am so thankful that God wrote the book on how grace works, and that He rebuilds the bridges that I have burned.  Now it is time for me to practice what I preach and become one who extends grace – rebuilding bridges when others burn them down.

Interestingly enough, my children have pointed out my character flaw in this area.  In fact, just yesterday as I drove them to school, we experienced this – yet again.  As we approached a 4way stop, two cars sat side-by-side at the intersection.  There was no one coming from any other direction, so I could not figure out why they were not going through the intersection – one turning left and the other turning right.  I have to be honest and say that I was annoyed.  It was nearly 7:30 a.m., and we had an appointment with a teacher at the school.

As the two cars (finally) turned their opposite ways, I noticed that the windows next to each other were down.

They were talking to each other!!!

While I sat and fumed about this, my kids jabbed at me, “Mom, you are so self-centered.”

And they are right.  I am. 

How many Stacy Bender’s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

(Just one; the world revolves around her).

While this example does not truly play out because the “offenders” did not even have to experience my wrath, it is a great example of just how high strung I have allowed myself to become (again).  I would like to say that it is the end of the school year, and that might be part of it.  I would like to say that things are crazy busy with teens in the house, and that might be part of it.

But the bottom line is that I have not embraced what it means to be gracious.  I have not extended to others the same grace that has been extended to me by so many others and by God Himself.

It is time to breathe, listen before I talk, and consider before I act.

Maybe I will print out the picture of the bridge above…oh wait, I don’t have to…I just need to step outside of my office and turn my head to see it.  May it be a reminder that burned bridges allow us the opportunity to receive and to extend grace.

Happy Thursday, all!

Attendance: Common Sense?

In my job, I am confronted almost daily with the need for common sense when we approach attendance.  The idea of attendance in an online school is a completely foreign concept for most people, and it was for me until several years ago when I jumped into teaching at an online school.  While at Wolf Creek Online High School, I participated in the development of attendance policies for the online world.

As I have worked in this now for several years, I have refined my thinking, have shared the concept around the state of Minnesota and in other states (most recently in Michigan – so fun!!!), and have started to think outside of the online world and into the seat-based world.

School attendance is important, but we often go too far and lack common sense in our application of this value.  As one can conclude from the graphic to the left, I firmly believe in a correlation between school attendance and students passing their classes which eventually leads to graduation.  As this is the ultimate goal that schools presumably have for all of their students, it follows easily, then, that school attendance should be expected from all students.  But notice that, in addition to attendance, access to curriculum is also part of the pyramid. This is there because of my use of this pyramid in the online world.  Accessing curriculum is attendance in the online world. 

But it is not in the seat-based world.

My latest and greatest question is this: WHY NOT?

With more and more schools using course management systems such as Moodle, BlackBoard, or Desire2Learn in order to house curriculum, lessons, and videos, accessing curriculum (which used to equate to the butt-in-seat of classroom) now can be done from a sick student’s bedroom while the student recovers from pneumonia.  This completely destroys the concept of seat-based attendance because accessing the curriculum is no longer dependent upon the student being in the classroom.

As options expand for accessing the curriculum, our definition of attendance and truancy will need to change. 

And it should.

And when it does, horrible grievances against students will be avoided.

Within the past year, I have jumped into the Twitter world (mostly due to being able to disseminate my blog posts).  In that same time, I also read Think by Lisa Bloom and then followed her on Facebook and Twitter.  While she and I would likely disagree on some things (and we would both be ok with that as long as our stances can be clearly thought out and defended), she and I do agree on many things such as the need for literacy, the need for an emphasis on education, and the need for many to start thinking!

Last night, she shared a link on her Twitter-feed that sent me through the roof!

Click here to watch and read the news story about Diane Tran, the 11th grade honor student who was sent to jail for missing too much time in class.  Instead of dropping out to support herself when faced with a difficult situation, Tran chose to stay in school while also working a full-time job. 

There are many questions that I have about this situation:

1. Why is she supporting herself and two siblings?

2. Why are her parents not involved?

3. Why has no school social worker intervened and kept this student from going to court?

4. Why has no one talked to this student about taking an online class instead of the first hour class that she often misses due to her life’s schedule?

5. Why is she still getting good grades when she misses so much class?

There are solutions to the issue that did not need to involve the student paying a fine, going to jail, or even going to court!  The courts should be used when students and families are not able to cooperate with the school in a reasonable fashion.  They should not be used to punish honor students who are doing just fine in their classes even when they miss the classes.

I have said and will continue to say it: our system needs an overhaul to get it caught up with the times.  Our laws are still based on the education system of fifty years ago when schools did not even have fax machines.  The last revision of the truancy laws in Texas occurred in 2003; two years later, the Texas legislature passed the law allowing for virtual schools.  Like most other states across the nation, these two lines of thinking did not intersect. 

But they need to do so.

Moving all of our schools to progress-based attendance will solve issues like that of the case of Diane Than.  She is but one student who has been caught in the cross-fire of attendance and truancy laws being outdated and poorly applied.  The intent of these laws are to engage all students in learning which would lead to successful lives.  When we lose of the intent of laws in the midst of applying them without common sense, we do the students of our nation a disservice.

This is why I do what I do.  I want to see these laws applied correctly to the students and families who need them.  And I want to see students and families to whom these laws no longer apply be freed from the shackles of old thinking.

What do you think?

Giving Life Meaning

As I have mentioned in several posts, my job takes me on the road often.  It also has me visiting courthouses quite often. Recently, I was in Sherburne County for a hearing, and I saw the quote below in the courthouse. 

I knew without even thinking that it would make a great blog post.

Read it again.

And again.

And again.

Download the picture, make it your screen’s photo for a day, and then be challenged by what it says.  How can this thought take root in us each and every day?

I also run into many people who think that they have nothing to give to the world around them.  They feel as though no one wants their help, that others are doing it all, or that their skills do not match the needs.

So not true! Willing hands, willing feet, and willing hearts are welcome in just about any volunteer organization around the country!

What have I seen that needs help?

The need for guardian ad litem positions is on the rise as children in foster care and in custody cases need an advocate for them.  Click here for information in Minnesota.  Those in other states can just Google for information.

The need for foster care families is always around with a shortage.  In fact, in Hennepin County, children remain at St Joseph’s Home for Children waiting for families that could care for them.  Because there are not enough families, children stay.

Perhaps foster care is not something you can do (that is legit, by the way!), consider volunteering with organization that support families.  Kinship or the Big Brother/Big Sister’s organizations are excellent ways to get involved.

And these are just the thoughts I have for impacting children.  There are countless ways that we can reach out to vulnerable adults or the elderly.

To hurt is human, but to help is also human.

What can I do today to impact tomorrow?

Divorce, Custody, and the Government–Oh MY!

Sunday was my 17th wedding anniversary.  With every year that passes, I am more and more grateful for the man who said “I do” even though “for worse” at times describes our lives more than “for better” does.  We have learned, grown, and gone through trials. As we come out still married at the end of each bump in the road, we realize that we are part of a rare crew – those who stay married.  We do not say this with pride because it has less to do with us than it does to do with God and His role in our lives and in our marriage.  Maybe a little bit of stubbornness plays a role in our sticking it out, but really – the glory goes to God.

Yesterday morning I woke up and, as often is the case, I read some news on my phone. I typically scroll through the headlines and read those that catch my eye.  I care less about how many fish the Minnesota governor caught during the fishing opener than I do the laws that await his signing.  Today, the headline about a statute that hits home in my own life caught my eye.

Click on the title to read it: Proposed Custody Changes Await Governor's Signature

I posted info about this on Facebook and asked my plethora of friends to respond.  I heard from many whom I anticipated would respond, and I also heard from some voices that are not normally in my “commenting” crowd.  All had strong opinions and good questions.  Many spoke from personal experience as a child of divorce or parents who had been through a divorce.

Thank you to all who responded as you have assisted me in clarifying my own thoughts!

Thought #1

As much as possible, I firmly believe that those who bring children into the world should stay together.  I doubt that those who legalized divorce in (insert statistics here) ever anticipated that in 2011 more children would live without both biological parents than those who do. In my faith life, I would definitely say that no one should seek to tear apart what God has joined together. My preference would be that our country be filled with marriages and families with a firm foundation of faith; however, the divorce rate is as high (if not higher) in the Christian church in the US than in the general population.

In my opinion, we have become victims to a lie that we deserve better than what we have chosen, that we should not have to work so hard at our marriages, and that infractions or betrayals are “good enough” reasons to abandon the marriage ship.  However, if forgiveness reigns in our hearts, lives, relationships, and marriages, staying together can be an option. (Note: I do not support anyone staying in dangerous relationship, so please, please do not hear that!!!)

When my husband and I do the premarriage counseling session on communication and forgiveness, he always states that we do not forgive our spouse or expect forgiveness from our spouse because we deserve it.  We do so because God forgives us through the sacrifice of Christ on the cross – an act of forgiveness that we did not deserve.  Those who look in on our marriage might wonder, “What struggles have they had that they would even know what I have endured?”  Although I am very candid in my blog, I have not “bared all”…and there are things that we have struggled through that have been very difficult – in the same way that most couples would be able to say this.  There are times that we have both wondered, “What did I get into?” 

And we have chosen to forgive -  not because the other deserved it but because we chose to follow God’s example in this area.  Staying together is not easy, but separating does not seem all that easy either.

Thought #2

Divorce happens. 

Because we are human, we make choices, others make choices, and sometimes all of that ends in divorce.  I would not stand on this side of the blog and say that I judge another because they have gone through divorce because that is not my place. It is my place to encourage and support marriages to stay together; in fact, regardless of our faith convictions, we probably can all agree that –in the majority of cases – staying married is the best choice. 

Although we can believe this, know this, and live this, we have to recognize that divorce happens. I can believe what I stated in Thought #1, still be a realist, and accept that divorce happens.

Thought #3

Divorce hurts everyone involved, but it causes a great deal of issues for children. No one whom I respect argues with this.  I know this personally as my own parents were divorced when I was very young. Although I believe that everyone involved did the best that they were able, I still had a very rough time navigating what it meant for my parents not to be together.

Thought #4

The government should have to legislate common sense.  A couple of the commenters on the Facebook thread really took this to task.  Why are we legislating what should be common sense?  Research supports that children survive divorce better when both parents are involved.  If that is common sense, then why should we have a law on the books?

 

I have to say that I tend to agree. 

 

However, common sense has not ruled since custody battles started.  A couple of dad commenters (so glad to hear from them!!!) supported the need for legislation to support their rights to co-parent.  In the past, there has been a stigma against dads; yet, I know many who have been raised entirely by their dads, and they have come out with no more issues than I who grew up with my mom having 100% custody (ok…no crack jokes about my subscription of issues!!).

 

In fact, IF we are going to legislate at all, why are we going only to 35% and not to 50%?  Why would we not start out with the understanding that children who have 50% of the DNA from each parent should have input from each parent 50% of the time?  Honestly, these are just questions….I don’t really have all the answers – even if I act like I do…

Thought #5

In Stacy’s world, this is how things would go:

• Unless there is compelling evidence of abuse, all custody arrangements should start at 50-50.   As a nation, we need to recognize that both parents are necessary in a child’s life.  If there is evidence or concern of abuse or neglect, that should be brought up to the court and taken into consideration.  However, dads have been neglected for far too long, and – in some cases – they have been allowed to neglect for far too long.
• Every child whose parents are getting divorced should be assigned a guardian ad litum (yes – parents would have to pay for this as part of the divorce).  Guardians are “pro-child” – they are not to have anyone’s interest in mind except the child’s interest.  They would recommend to the parents and the courts what would be best if the 50-50 was not the best choice.  There might be times when 50-50 living conditions are hard (example: when children attend school in a district that is far from one parent’s home).  This needs to be addressed.
• Parents need to realize that their lives will be inconvenienced, and that is just how it should happen.  While the ones who could not “make it work” move on (often re-marry, etc.), children go on living in the state of divorced-ness for the rest of their lives.  The parents are the ones who need to bend over backwards to make sure that life is as health as possible for their children.

My Last Thought

What is best for most children is that they are raised by the two parents who contributed their creation.  However, as in the case also of foster care and adoption, this is not true of children with divorced parents.  Because of this, legislation should not be in place, but judges and other law-parts involved in custody cases should be educated that both parents (except in exceptions) should be allowed and expected to have involvement in their children’s lives.

In closing, ParentFurther.com has a FREE webinar (click here to sign up!) coming up about how moms can make room for fathers.  I know that I often get in the way of my husband’s fathering, so I plan to attend and see what they have to say.  You can too – they are always at noon, so take your lunch hour and learn some parenting stuff!

Slavery? Still?

Pinch me, please, and remind me that we live in 2012.  Remind me that slavery was abolished in most northern American states in 1783 after the American Revolution. Remind me that the Constitution’s 13th amendment – which abolished slavery in the entire United States -  was ratified in 1865.

How then can slavery still exist in the United States?

It does. 

Not only does it exist “somewhere” in the United States, it happens in my state - in my city.  And that makes me so, so sad.  The quote below is taken from an article in today's online edition of the Twin Cities Daily Planet:

…because of a large immigrant population, northern ports, and a long border with Canada, Minnesota has become one of the areas most heavily targeted as a spot for labor and sexual trafficking.

This is happening in my state, in my city – maybe on my block for all I know.

In fact, it has even bumped into my professional world.  One of my truancy cases turned out to be much more complicated than a student simply not logging on to her computer to do school work.  As the case unraveled, truancy was the least of our concerns as it became evident that this young lady was a victim of the sex trade and human trafficking.  To this day, I wonder what the outcome of the situation was.  I can only hope, only pray, that redemption was part of her story.

A few years ago, through one of those “God” moments where people come into your life and stay…and you are thankful, I was invited to attend a fundraiser/awareness/info night for International Justice Mission.  If you want to hear the back story of the woman who was at the bottom of this, click here and read.  But – that night planted a seed in me to know more and to consider how I might do more.  It has taken some time, and I am still not sure what this means for me personally or for our family collectively…but we continue to seek what God has for us in this area.

Last night, my family joined 500 other people at a celebration and awareness event held by International Justice Mission at the Riverview Theater in Minneapolis.  The most compelling part of the night for me was that we were shown the new film put out by IJM: At the End of Slavery.  The film highlights the work being done around the world to combat slavery and human trafficking.  It also reveals the overwhelming number of people in bondage for various reasons. 

There is a great need as human lives is now the third most “sold” commodity after drugs and arms.

Our family has attempted to learn more about this great need.  In fact, my husband and a team of concerned peeps have even brought information about IJM to our church through the annual Freedom Sunday services.  According to IJM and US state department statistics, millions of people remain in the grip of slavery around the world and in our own country.  While IJM works almost exclusively in international fields by training local law enforcers, supporting investigators, and creating a collaborative model including aftercare for victims, other agencies such as Breaking Free in Minneapolis/St Paul work inside the United States in similar models.  Check into a “men only” organization – MATTOO -  that is demanding change as well.

How can this still be happening? In 2012?

In his speech to the Anti-Slavery Society following the close of the Civil War, Frederick Douglass warned them – and warns us – that slavery will not go away:

It has been called by a great many names, and it will call itself by yet another name; and you and I and all of us had better wait and see what new form this old monster will assume, in what new skin this old snake will come forth.

He was right.  The old snake has new skin, and that monster is destroying the lives of men, women, and children here in our country and in countries around the world.

As we left last night, our family realized that awareness is truly a first step, and we are beyond that step now.  We need to move into the action stage.

Awareness is an important first step in getting rid of human slavery and human trafficking. 

• Do we know that this is happening? 

• Do we care?

• Do we pray for their freedom?

• Do we see it happening in our cities?  Would we know how to recognize it?

• For more information about awareness, see the IJM website.

Action is needed in this issue.  How can you act?

• Share your vision with others and raise awareness in those who have not heard about this horrible reality.  You could host a screening of the film that we saw! Click here for more information.
• Prayer is vital.  Battles must be fought in person, and those battles need prayer support.
• Funding is necessary.  Be creative and think outside the box – how could you support IJM?
• Consider a career with IJM.

As a family, we are unsure what our action will be.  Joining in the prayer time last night should not be the last prayer moment that we have on behalf of those who fight slavery.  How can we mobilize our community and our friends to see this as an issue worth writing to their congress-person about?  How can we heighten awareness in the people whom we see every day in our schools and work places?

What is our next step?

That is the question for us to day….is it a question for you as well?

Highs and Lows

While in the hospital this past week and as I have been resting since my return, I have watched several episodes of “Law&Order: SVU.”  This is my favorite television of recent history because the detectives are likeable and the stories are engaging. 

One of the episodes that I watched focused on the college-aged daughter of Detective Stabler.  She had broken into some people’s house and had taken a shower in their house.  Additionally, she had stolen the wife’s diamond necklace. 

As the story unfolded, the daughter was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  Because she was an adult, she could refuse to take medication or to use her mental illness as part of her defense even though she had clearly been in an untreated manic state when she broke into the house.  It was clear that she needed psychiatric care more than she needed prison.

As the story continued, details were revealed about Detective Stabler’s mother who had gone her entire life as a woman with an un-medicated case of bipolar disorder.  Stabler visited his mother and asked her to speak to his daughter.  Although grandma refused, she eventually spoke to her granddaughter. 

I know that these characters are fictional, but the interaction between grandmother and granddaughter was a beautiful moment.  Their descriptions of the highs and lows - the dreams and the sorrows – were perfect and moving.

The higher you fly, the farther you fall.

The grandmother said this at the end of their conversation, and the granddaughter agreed to get help.

Without a doubt, agreeing to be medicated for bipolar illness has its benefits.  Both the extreme highs and lows of this illness have their dangers.  At the same time, though, being medicated means that we give up something…those great feelings of being able to do anything that we put our minds to…and that is hard.

Upon my diagnosis of bipolar tendencies a few years ago, I had a choice to make: to medicate or not to medicate.  Ultimately, the need to slow the racing mind was what convinced me to agree to the medication.  I had originally been on a dosage that took all of the wind out of my sails. At first, this was comforting.  Eventually, though, my psychiatrist and I agreed that the medication was taking Stacy out of my personality. She adjusted it to a lower dosage which now keeps me safely from going too high or too low and which is low enough that someday I could come off the medication completely.

This is not the experience of all with bipolar illness.  For some, the polarizing pulls are so strong that a lifetime maintenance – much like insulin for those with diabetes – is necessary.  There is no standard “one size fits all” answer to this illness in the same way that most illnesses have varying levels of needs and experiences.

It is a mistake for anyone to think that we can simply apply the same answers to anyone with a single diagnosis. Within most illnesses there is a range of experience, a range of needs, and a range of answers.  Only professionals can truly decide how to accurately diagnose someone or choose whether or not to medicate.

With the large number of web resources, we have a tendency to research and determine our own diagnoses before seeing professionals.  We also tend to talk to friends or relatives before we see a doctor.  All of those things are good, but they should not replace someone in the medical field whose knowledge of medicine would allow them to help us.

I am thankful for the awareness that is out there about cancer, diabetes, bipolar, and all of the other illnesses that plague our world.  When we need help, we should seek it without embarrassment.  When we can, we should ensure that our bodies are healthy so that we can take the best care of ourselves at all times.

Above all, we need to recognize that we all have varying experiences and needs.  What I experience will vary drastically from another person with a similar diagnosis.

And that, my friends, is what has been bouncing around my head the past few days while I have been recovering from my recent stint in the hospital.

The Most Excellent Flight Attendant EVER!

I left home on Sunday to speak at a conference in Michigan. I had quite an exciting trip overall, and you can read more about that by clicking here.  But this is a fun story that happened before things got really, really nutty…and it is worth telling.  I love GREAT customer service, and I want to celebrate it whenever I can.

I met the best flight attendant ever on the American Airlines flight that was supposed to leave Chicago at 1:30 p.m. and arrive in Traverse City at 1:40 p.m. (EST).  I can say this with complete objectivity because I have flown since I was six months old with typically at least two flights annually since then.  Because I am turn 38 next Friday, that is a lot of flight.  I have had many good flight attendants, but none of them have ever been EXCELLENT like Josh.

Josh made me see him as an excellent flight attendant from the very start of the flight.  After the emergency instruction speech, Josh took the time to go over them again with a small girl near the front of the plane.  He was goofy and interacted with her on her level.  He did not scare her with these instructions.  Instead, he was silly and actually allowed her to put the mask (“in the event of a change in cabin pressure”) on her.  This was great!

Many of you may have read my blog post a few weeks back about The Survivor’s Club.  In that book, the author talks about the importance of knowing the safety information for each airplane flight in order for passengers to be prepared and helpful in the event of a crash.  The more passengers who are prepared, the more likely that all will survive (as long as the crash does not include especially horrible impact conditions.

Josh’s re-telling of the emergency information was a great way to connect with the little girl on the flight.  He put her at ease, gave her information, and allowed her to be helpful in the event of a crash or a change in cabin pressure.  He was wonderful with her, and he remained entertaining throughout the flight to the rest of us.  He was kind, caring, and entertaining.  He also relayed information about our delays (and eventual cancellation).  I have never met a flight attendant so well-created for his position.  In fact, he was so good at what he did on the airline that I wish that I could hire him myself someday for a position working with students.  Those same qualities would transfer well to working with students.

Rabbit trail: I wonder if he would ever want to work for me? Sorry…back to the story!

More importantly than all of that, though, Josh prepared pretty much the entire passenger group on that flight by going over the important points of the emergency information a second time.  He highlighted specific items that we all could use, he used very simple language so that the little girl understood him, and he demonstrated the important items a second time. 

The great thing was that most adults in the plane had no idea that they were learning while he was doing this.  They all were watching and commenting to each other, though.  They thought he was sweet, and he was!  But more importantly, he got their attention, and they were watching him.

Honestly, if I were an airline trainer, I would use this example to train others so that they could ensure that many people - who may not otherwise pay attention - would.  When a child is being entertained by a caring adult, that catches the eyes of others.  If this “entertainment” actual has curricular content, all the better!  Although most on the plane who watched Josh learned, they did not realize it.  I would not have even thought of this had I not recently read a book that shared the statistics pointing to the necessity of preparedness on airplanes.

But I had recently read the book, and Josh completely caught my attention!

If someone from American Airlines by chance is reading this blog, I hope that you show your appreciation to Josh by promoting him to a larger airplane or whatever he wants to do career-wise with your company.  Although I would be pleased to ride his airplane again some time (a small plan out of Chicago), I would be even more happy if you would recognize his talent and the asset that he is by making his dreams come true.  Please do not lose out on this wonderful young man.

Readers, if you find great customer service somewhere, do your best to pass it on to the management.  It really does make a difference!  In some cases, those complimented get gift cards, bonuses, and even promotions.  I have heard somewhere that, for every compliment a business receives, they have 5-10 complaints.  How can we turn that around?

I wish you all a happy day!

A Trip of Trials

I left home on Sunday to speak at a conference in Michigan. I had quite an exciting day of travel on Sunday. My flight from Chicago to Traverse City, Michigan, originally was delayed because of a crack in the windshield…which they had not found in their routine maintenance checks.  However, the pilots thankfully discovered the crack before it was our turn to take off. We then had a huge lightning and deluge-style rain storm, so we stayed on the runway along with about eight other aircraft waiting out the weather for an hour or so. The picture above is the latest “office spaces” that I have found. It is really a diaper changing station in the Chicago airport, but it looked like a great standing station for a laptop!

When we unloaded, I looked at the “cracked” windshield.  It was a SPIDER-WEB of cracks.  I honestly do not know if this went from “a crack” to the spider-web during the ran storm, but I certainly hope so!

Anyway…upon returning to the gate in hopes of the promised new airplane, I discovered that, as I had feared, my flight had been canceled.  There are only two flights each day to Traverse City from Chicago, and the several passengers had missed their flight there City the night before.  They would receive priority booking on the evening flight; the rest of us would have to leave the next morning. The problem for me in this scenario was that the flight arrival time was at time my presentation was scheduled. 

Because the conference holding the group had asked me to come, they had paid for all of my travel. I had to get to Traverse City on Sunday night!  After using both of my phones to enlist the help of the huz and the girl to investigate train and bus options, the only option that I had was to rent a car and drive the six and a half hours to Traverse City.  I had a brand new Ford Focus with only 3,000 miles on it to make the trip.  Most of my time was spent in the large state of MIchigan because Traverse City is in the far north of the state on a bay of Lake Michigan.  The picture above is of a the water tower that made me do a double take.  The huz is from Zeeland, North Dakota, which – I discovered! – is not much smaller than Zeeland, Michigan.

I arrived in Traverse City a mere 5 hours later than had I driven the entire way from Minneapolis.  Ironically (at least I think this is irony), I returned my car to the airport that I should have arrived at 8 hours prior to my actual arrival time.  The resort where I stayed had an airport shuttle that I had missed earlier as I was unable to warn them of my delay, but they were kind enough to still come to get me at 10 p.m.  I was exhausted when I arrived, and I’m pretty sure I looked horrible.  The picture above is my stuff as I waited outside the airport.  I posted the same picture to Facebook with the comment stating, “If I saw myself right now, I am pretty sure I would judge me.”

I connected with my contact for the conference. I discovered that evening at dinner that her mother grew up in the same town where my mother grew up.  I have to send a private message to someone on Facebook who may actually be related to her!  I learned some interesting things about Michigan’s education world, and I got some pretty cool free stuff (presents for my kids mostly – pictured above). M y presentation went very well, but as soon as the presentation was over, I realized that I felt pretty awful.

I assumed that my physical state was due to exhaustion from the travel of the day before.  I had taken two showers already that day (I snuck up for a second shower just for the therapeutic value after lunch), but I snuck in a tub soak before supper. At dinner, I became worse as my stomach seemed very upset in addition to the fatigue.  I tried to eat, but - when I made a few trips to visit the bathroom throughout dinner - it became clear that eating was not a good choice. My colleagues asked a few times if I was ok, and I finally told them that I did not feel well.  One of them told me I kind of looked grey.

Returning from dinner, I went immediately to bed. That, however, did not really help.  In addition to the stomach issues (every time I stood up, I got to throw up…lovely!), I now experienced shortness of breath and chest pressure.  It was clear to me that I was not going to get better soon.  I also realized that I was travelling alone and that no one expected me to be anywhere the next day except an airline on Tuesday evening.

I decided that I needed to go to the emergency room.  I phoned the colleague who had arranged for me to speak at the conference and asked if she could take me to the emergency room.  Looking back on this, I am so glad that I had met her, that I had eaten dinner with her that night, and that she was someone I felt I could call. 

Once in the emergency room doors, the phrase “chest pains” moved me quickly to a room where a cardiogram was done quickly.  Heart issues were ruled out almost immediately, they took loads of blood, and the doctor started thinking gastro or gallbladder as culprits.  That changed, however, once my labs came back and indicated that I had a low sodium concentrate level (hyponatremia) and a low potassium level (hypokalemia).  Both of these conditions, which cause symtoms that mirror a heart attack and can cause heart issues, required some intervention in order to get the levels back to normal so that I could be well.

I was admitted, and – because I had presented with cardiac issues – was roomed on the heart wing. I had a private suite with excellent accommodations and wonderful nurses. I am pretty sure that smaller towns have something great in their hospitals that I cannot quite put my finger on right now.  I was told that I should expect to be there until at least Wednesday morning.  This meant that I would certainly miss my flight on Tuesday to Boston to see family and friends.  I decided to wait until Tuesday morning to hear it from the doctor before I believed it, but it became truth the next day.

It was not stressful to be in the hospital for me except for the frequent blood draws, the IV which gave me back those valuable missing elements, and the shot in the stomach to ward off any blood clots.  By the way, a shot in your stomach hurts.  A lot.

I was released this morning with directions from my doctor to go home – not to Boston – to rest and recover.  Thankfully, my contact for the conference had brought her dad with her.  Even though she was in meetings this morning when I could leave the hospital and needed to get to the airport, he was not only free but also willing to take me to the airport.  What a great man!  He ensured that I made it to the flight that, thankfully!!!, an American Airlines ticket agent had arranged for me to take.  I am so thankful for the wonderful customer service that I have received from American Airlines on this trip. 

I am thankful to be home and will be taking time to recover for the next few days.  I am also thankful that Tom let me stop at the bay in Traverse City. 

It is beautiful!

Thank you to all who prayed for me while I was in the hospital and for my flight home.

The Bully Project: My Review and Response

Even though I had few moments to spare on Saturday as I prepared for a trip for which I left on yesterday, I headed to the Lagoon Theatre in Uptown for the afternoon showing of The Bully Project. I have wanted to see this movie since reading about it and because of the recent writing gig on resilience and bullying that I did for ParentFurther, the parenting resource of Search Institute. With their upcoming webinar about bullying on May 16 only days away now, I wanted to be sure that I had seen the movie before attending the webinar.

The movie met all of my expectations based on what I had read prior to attending. The documentary follows the lives (and suicides in two cases) of five teens who have endured extreme bullying situations. Although there are no real answers given in the movie, the director did an excellent job of creating one story cohesive story of what occurs in schools around the United States with the five stories shared. As my son said following the movie, the intention is to evoke emotions and heighten awareness about the issue.

And that it does. I cried through most of the movie – not sobs, but just a steady stream of sad tears. At times, I was angry. I wanted to stand up and scream at the adults involved.

There was the assistant principal who said to the mother of a boy who was strangled, stabbed with pencils, punched, sat on, and called names while riding the bus, “I have ridden that bus. The children are good as gold.” Seriously? What adult can be that naïve? Of course they are going to be good when the principal is on the bus! Maybe she should ride the bus every day…Read more about Alex’s story by clicking here.

Although all of the stories were very moving, this boy’s story hit my daughter and me pretty hard. As he mom showed pictures of his premature birth and described him as a miracle, I thought of the many children in my life now who have similar stories. And it breaks my heart to think that kids may be treating those I know with the same disdain and cruelty that kids in this boy’s school treated him. That possibility multiplied my anger. 

Side note: My daughter wants to be an occupational therapist and work with special needs kids; she has a heart for them in ways that few people do. Both of my kids seem to advocate for those with challenges and come alongside them rather than ostracize them. I did not do anything magical to make this happen except to expect that they treat everyone with kindness and respect. Why is that so hard for other kids to do?

Then there was the school board and school administration who did not attend the town meeting called by the parents of a teenager who had hung himself in desperation after being tormented. I am a school administrator, and I am shocked that anyone in a position of authority would not attend a town meeting called to address a school issue. Someone should have been there at least to listen. Shame on them all.  Read more about Tyler’s story by clicking here.

I honestly cannot even fathom the way that almost an entire town in Oklahoma treated Kelby, a girl who came out as a lesbian. She shared about a time when a teacher did role call and said, ”Boys. Girls. Kelby.” Seriously? I caught a sob before it escaped loudly from me when she shared about the day that she sat down in the classroom – a full class without extra seats – and everyone around her got up and moved. The heartbreak on her face and the faces of her family was so evident every time they spoke.  Read more about Kelby’s story by clicking here.

And perhaps the most concerning was the law official involved when the fourteen year old girl took a gun on the school bus “just to scare” those who had been picking on her – to make it stop. While I agree with him that something must be done in this situation, twenty-some counts of kidnapping and aggravated assault with a weapon (100 years in prison) does not seem appropriate. Thankfully a judge or prosecuting attorney saw the light and had the girl get psychiatric help rather than a lifetime in prison.  Read more about Ja’Meya’s story by clicking here.

Seeing the movie reinforced in my mind that something needs to be done, and building assets and resiliency in children and teens – let’s be honest…and in adults! – is something that we all need to start doing. This is not just a parenting issue. This is not just a school issue. This is an issue that pervades every area where we find children and teens, and we all need to get on board and step up. Our country needs asset-rich young people who become contributing citizens.

While anti-bullying programs have good intentions, I assert that they do not get to the heart of the issue which is that everyone has worth and that we all need to be kind to each other regardless of our differences. Check out the Search Institute’s program called Building Assets Reducing Risks which addresses the issues which underlie the bullying problem and addresses it on a system-wide, proactive level rather than a reactive, single student or single incident level.

What can we do?

• Model appropriate interactions and conflict resolution.
• Attend the ParentFurther webinar about building assets and raising resilient children.
• See The Bully Project movie.  Warning: there are several F-bombs at the beginning, but after that the content is difficult but tame (no sexual issues).
• Visit the website shared at the end of The Bully Project.
• Have eyes on our own kids and on the kids of others.

Have you seen the movie?  What did you think?

Brunch in the Airport

I am currently en route from MSP to Traverse City, Michigan. Who knows the three letters for that airport?!?!?!  If you know it (without using your Internet resources!), leave a comment!  The first to get it right will get a fabulous prize.  Ok – I am not really giving away a prize, but you will have bragging rights!  It is not even listed on my boarding pass, so I will have to look it up online in order to confirm.

My connecting flight is in ORD, and I am currently composing this in the Chili’s Too between terminals G and H.  My flight leaves in 90 minutes.  I arrived here during the breakfast only time, but I talked my way into having a seat until they start serving the “real” menu at 10 a.m.  If by weird chance some big-wig from Chili’s is reading this blog, you should promote Rosemarie who is an excellent hostess in the Chicago airport location.  She provided me with some of the best customer service I have ever had in an airport restaurant.  She greeted me with a huge smile, warned me of the breakfast only menu, and then was super flexible with me as I worked through my decision. 

Once I sat down at my table with a glass of water, I realized that I do like one of their menu items.  Who can guess what that might be?

YUM!

While I am sure that the food at my rather extravagant conference will be better than airport Chili’s bacon (and then some queso and chips for part II), I sincerely doubt that the employees could match Ms Rosie.  I wish that I could know her in “real life” as she would be a joy to know.

Happy Sunday!

Naughty Music Mommy?

One of the things that our family enjoys is listening to music together.

Among the four of us, we love pretty much every genre one could think of, and we like to listen to most of it loudly.  We have an iHome set up in the living room (dominated by a large dining room table because we do so much entertaining), and we play Pandora from an iPod almost continuously.

As our children have aged into their teen years, we have enjoyed sharing our love of music with them.  On our car radio presets, we have a Christian station, Cities97, a country station, and Minnesota Public Radio.  I think that the huz’s car has some talk radio too, but that is extraneous to this post!

As I have noted, we have pretty diverse music likes, so it is no wonder that we have had some troubles over the years with our music and our children.  A memorable moment with my mom when our kids were little was when the Dixie Chick song “Goodbye, Earl” came on the radio and the girl pronounced to Grandma that, “this is my favorite song!”

Because the song is about a couple of women killing off an abusive husband, you can imagine that my mom was not too pleased with the fact that my daughter knew all of the words and thought it was her favorite song.  I do not know if it was more shocking to mom that her daughter liked the song as well or that her son-in-love, a seminary student, did not put a stop to the listening.

My naughtiness has continued, and the kids and I have a recent fun song that we enjoy together – mostly in the car driving to school each day.  In fact, the other day the song came on the radio in the morning after I dropped the kids off at school, so I texted them some lyrics so that they could join me in the experience.  As I did that, I stopped and realized that we should probably talk about the content of the lyrics and why this song should be a bit concerning.  So we did.

I have a strange pull as a Christian, an educator, and a parent between enjoying music regardless of the lyrics and then needing to really examine them.  I think that, as with most things, if we put ourselves on a healthy diet of good stuff, we will be able to discern through the bad stuff – even when it comes with a super catchy tune and really fun music.

The song is “We are Young” by Fun.

The lyrics:

Give me a second I,
I need to get my story straight
My friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State
My lover she’s waiting for me just across the bar
My seat’s been taken by some sunglasses asking bout a scar, and
I know I gave it to you months ago
I know you’re trying to forget
But between the drinks and subtle things
The holes in my apologies, you know
I’m trying hard to take it back
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home

Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Now I know that I’m not
All that you got
I guess that I, I just thought
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart
But our friends are back
So let’s raise a cup
‘Cause I found someone to carry me home

Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun

Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Carry me home tonight (Nananananana)
Just carry me home tonight (Nananananana)

The world is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
The angels never arrived
But I can hear the choir

So will someone come and carry me home
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
Tonight
We are young
So let’s set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
So if by the time the bar closes
And you feel like falling down
I’ll carry you home tonight

 

What do you think?

Google Doodle Contests!

Working at an online school means that I spend a ton of time online and that I use online resources for almost every part of my being. From directions to addresses to the school’s course management, “www” is the main-stay of my day.  Both of my cell phones even have data plans so that I can www away at the mall, the park, and grocery store.

Google.com is my favorite part of the www world with its gmail, maps, and incredibly fast and good search engine.  And I think I might be in love with the daily doodles! 

The other day a Facebook friend shared the photo above.  This is the ND state winner in the high school division who has moved on to the Google Doodle national finals.  She attends my alma mater, and I think it would rock if she would win.

Vote for her by clicking here! 

Voting ends May 10.

Because I live in Minnesota, I felt obligated to check out the Minnesota state winner in the same division before I voted for that Grand Forks girl. 

Not bad at all!  But, my vote has to go to the ballet slippers…

If you prefer to vote for the Minnesota finalist, click here.

I have to say that one of the things that I love about Google is that way that it has encourage artwork with its daily doodle.  I also love that they have a contest for artwork that reaches down to the kindergarten age group.  It is so cool to go through the ages and see the artistic talent refined.

I love the arts – theatre, music, art – and I think it is tragic that they are on the chopping block when budgets need to be cut. That is one reason why I am on the planning committee for an event called StarGazers, a fundraiser which supports the arts in the Fridley School District, held on May 19.  The Italian bistro-style dinner starts at 5:30 p.m. at the Fridley Middle School with a variety show at 7:30 p.m. in the Fridley Auditorium.  Click here to see more information and to purchase tickets.

Happy Friday, all!

An Apology Concerning my Facebook Etiquette

Last night before our family sat down to dinner, my son made a bold move and challenged me about my Facebook statuses from yesterday and Monday.

I need to step back a moment and share a disclaimer.  Part of our parenting strategy is that we allow our children to challenge our behavior when they think it is out of step with whom we claim to be.  When we are not being appropriate role models, they are welcome to share their concerns with us.  They must do this with love, respect, and concern.  It cannot be a situation where they are being brats about something.  We essentially expect them to treat us in the same way that we treat them when we discipline them. 

I encourage all parents to consider this in their parenting strategy as it goes a long way.  Our children see us at our worst, and they often can speak into our lives.

Back to the story.

My son shared with me his concerns about the following two statuses that I had posted:

On Monday: Dear emo kid across from me in the library: I hear your country music through your headphones, and I am happy that you have diverse tastes...but I don't want to hear it! :)

His concern with this post was my use of “emo kid,” and he questioned if I would have called the kid “emo” if I had known him or to his face. He pointed out that I often have stated that I dislike it when others use the anonymity of Facebook to say things that they would not say in person. 

He is right.  I am sorry for this statement, and I have removed it from my wall.

On Tuesday: Dear person in the library taking a nap: you are snoring. That is awkward, but you might really need the sleep. *trying to show grace today*

The boy’s concern with this statement was that I was actually mocking the person in front of my Facebook friends…being a bully, really.  And I did not know anything about why the man was sleeping – maybe he has an illness or something.

He is right.  I am sorry for this statement, and I have removed it from my wall.

Facebook allows us to air our grievances, publish our joys, and share our favorite photos.  It also is a den of mean-ness and causes a great deal of hurt.  When our children were old enough for Facebook accounts (the rule is 13!), we allowed them to have their account with the condition that they had to be friends with us.  We also have the condition that they must allow us to fully see their walls and status updates.  We wanted to monitor their Facebook behavior, and there have been times when we have had to ask them to take down their posts.

I never dreamed that, in expecting them to be our friends on Facebook, my son would question my integrity in terms of my Facebook use.  But it happened.  And to be honest, it needed to happen. As I examine my heart, I realize that I have become judgmental in this season of my life.  I have spent a lot of time with some very difficult student situations over the past few months, and that has seeped into my overall view.  I need to step back and put on a kinder, more compassionate spirit.

So – thank you, my boy, for being willing to share your concerns with me so that I could examine my heart a bit and realize that I needed to put on a new set of lenses.

Literarily Appalling

On Monday as I drove from Minneapolis to Cloquet for work, I passed a billboard for a Chippendale performance at one of the casinos.  I will not apologize for the fact that I do not support performances such as this.  Why does a pastor’s wife know what a Chippendale performance consists of?  It is not because I have attended one; it is because I do not live under a rock.  I was young once, and I had friends and relatives who flocked to these performances.  It is not something that I ever thought would be a good time, so I never went.  As I have aged (I cannot believe that I just wrote that), I have become more and more against these types of things.

I enjoy being married, and I even enjoy the physical side of that relationship.  I can say that; it is ok … in fact, it is good for me to say that.  Even the Bible says I should.  Click here to hear an entire sermon series from my huz about why.  But – it is because I hold the sanctity of marriage so high that I oppose performances like the one mentioned above.

I suppose that I could go on and on about this, but that is actually not the entire point of today’s post.  It may be hard to believe, but the teacher in me is actually more opposed to what else was on the billboard than the wife, woman, and pastor’s wife in me is.

The billboard also advertised an after party hosted by a DJ by the name of Hesta Prynn.

Wow!

For those readers who skipped their high school English classes, Hester Prynne is the main character of my favorite American literature classic – The Scarlet Letter.  While many find this book tedious (it was written in 1850 but about Puritan life in the seventeenth century), I find it so full of hope.  The main character is a woman who bears a child out of wedlock.  Because she will not name the father, the Puritan leaders force her to wear a scarlet letter “A” so that all would know of her crime. 

Spoiler alert: it turns out that the father of the child is the town’s minister who physically punishes himself daily for his unrevealed crime.

Hester, on the other hand, prospers in her life of one who has her sins revealed.  Although her life is one of humiliation, she lives in spiritual and emotional freedom because all know her sins.  While Dimmesdale, the minister, has to hide his crimes from the community, Hester is able to move beyond her “crime” and thrive.

I am pretty sure that dj Hesta is a smart cookie and knows exactly whose name she is taken as her own.  In fact, I applaud her knowledge – at least she knows what she is doing unlike many who drove past that billboard and had no idea who Hester Prynne is.

What makes me so upset is that it perverts what Nathanial Hawthorne intended in his book.  He did not intend for sexual promiscuity to become the norm; instead, he wanted to point out that Christianity had lost sight of what Christ had come to do on the cross – to set us free from our sins that, once confessed, are forgiven so that we can live free from guilt. 

When someone combines a literarily strong name such as Hester Prynne – which should be one that invokes images of grace and freedom – with flagrantly inappropriate sexuality, it makes me sick. I find it personally and professionally appalling.  I am sure that there are those who read this who will disagree with me, but I will not apologize for this.

I am ok with readers disagreeing with me; it happens all the time. 

As a Christ follower and a lover of English literature, I find this disgusting.

No apologies.

I Get Lost in My Mind…

Yesterday was another day of on the road time for me.  I do love that my job takes me on the road from time to time; however, the past month and the next month seem to be filled with more times on the road than in my own bed.  My office at work sits empty, but my backpack and my travel bag are always full.  And travel time – especially over the past week when I have been without a book on CD – lends itself to thinking time.

Thinking is an excellent activity.  I firmly believe that we should do it and that we should do it often.  Those who do not think tend to become those who do not do.  Thinking – whether analytical or reflective – is motivating, inspiring, and problem-solving.  We can only accomplish those great dreams if we first think them up.

However, thinking too much or too deeply or…too much without a sounding board or looking to some Truth…can lead to thoughts of despair about ourselves, our relationships, or our situations.  Without balancing our own understanding of the world around us with Truth, we lose site of that Truth and start to believe lies about ourselves.

Yesterday marked the 23rd anniversary of a dark day in my life.  On that day, the ninth grader who was me had become lost in her mind, had lost site of Biblical truth, and had decided to answer despair by attempting to take her own life.  It is the only time that I have acted on thoughts like that although there have been other times when the temptation has been there.  Since being diagnosed with bipolar stuffs two years ago, my psychiatrist and I have talked about the polarizing pull that happens toward life-taking from time to time and how the conditions of being lost in my mind that afternoon twenty-three years ago led me to that place of action (albeit a failing one – Praise be to God!).

Over the past few months, I have been doing a lot of reading about the developmental assets from the Search Institute.  As I look at the list of assets, I realize that I had plenty of them in my toolkit.  In fact, I would have scored so highly on them that I doubt I would currently be screened in to get any kind of help except that I clearly showed signs of needing help (in fact, I was in counseling for a few weeks before I manipulated my way out of that – another story for another day).  My family, school, and community connections were very strong.  And yet – I had biological tendencies that pulled me toward rumination, reflection, and self-incriminating thoughts.  Although I had a strong faith in God, I would often lose sight of that and look inward.

I love a song called “Lost in My Mind” that has been out for a while by a group called The Head and the Heart (what a smart name for a band!).  Whenever I hear this upbeat song, I am reminded that being lost in one’s own mind is only good for so long. 

We need to balance our own thoughts with Truth so that we do not make poor decisions from the bottom of some lost pit or path that we have taken into our own minds.  We were never meant to rely on our own understanding of ourselves but rather to look to our Creator and Savior for our worth through Him.  When we have tendencies to look inward, we need to fight those and look outward – around us and to the One who provides Truth about who we are, why we are here, and how we will move beyond today’s struggles.

Happy May 1! 

Celebrate this day with a sense of renewal; breathe deeply and know that there is a God who loves you deeply and wants you to see yourself as He sees you – cherished.