Marriage - until death do us part?

In this time of high divorce rates, I am exceedingly aware that long marriages are rare. That being said, over Thanksgiving I observed once again the long-standing and enduring love of my mother-in-law (Sadie) even in the face of my father-in-law's (Clarence) alzheimer state.

I'm not even sure that words can adequately describe what I've experienced in observing my mother-in-law. She is a strong woman, one who rarely shows much emotion, and one who adores her grandchildren. When they married well over 50 years ago, divorce wasn't though of as much of a reality. "Until death do us part" meant exactly that. And Sadie has taken that to heart.

Most people in Clarence's state are in nursing homes. The day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute care that he requires would overwhelm most people I know. "Until death do us part" for Sadie has meant that Clarence remains at home. It means that she has learned the rhythms of his day, the signals of needing to eat, drink, or use the bathroom. It means that she has purchased a hospital bed and a lift chair. It means that she doesn't leave the house without much thought and preparation. It's like having an oversized very young child to consider with each outing.

"Until death do us part" means that Sadie has shown love to Clarence in ways that most of us would see as over the top or martyr like. It's neither. She loves her husband. She cares for him. She takes seriously her vow to love and cherish him until deal parts them. A little more love like this in the world might bring the divorce rate down.

Can you imagine knowing that this was her fate? When she said those vows over 50 years ago, do you think she imagined what it would mean for her to follow through with those vows? Can you imagine going into marriage knowing that you would need to set aside your entire life for years on end to care for someone who can't remember who you are???? If you knew that, do you think that you would go through with it in the beginning?

We know that all marriage requires self-less sacrifice - at least those of us who have been married for any amount of time know that. It takes self-less sacrifice to care for an ailing spouse, and there are other extremes like that.

• We may be called to put one career on hold while the other spouse pursues his or her career.
• We may be called to care for children.
• We may be called to endure the faithlessness of a spouse.
• We may be called to endure a long-term illness of a spouse.
• We may be called to endure a drug-addiction of a spouse.
• We may be called to endure a mental illness of a spouse.

And these are the big things. Think about all of the little self-less things that we are called to do in marriage.

• Sharing a bed with another person.
• Sharing a bathroom with another person.
• Having to consider another before making a decision.
• Budgeting.
• Setting family priorities and goal.
• Surrending selfish pursuits.

They all start out small, but they are still self-serving items. In order to stay married, we must die to self and serve the interests of the other. Marriage works when both do this. And we are not called to start serving once we are served. No - we must start serving and know that it is this self-less sacrifice that truly is marriage.

Until death do us part.

Thanksgiving

What are you thankful for? Pastor Kerry (yes, my beloved husband) asked tonight at church. What has God done for you or is He doing in your life for which you can be thankful.

I didn't share - there were enough others who did....but I will now....here.

I am thankful that Christ died and rose again - conquering sin in my life and in the lives of all who believe in Him. I am thankful that God is merciful though just. I am thankful that He is forgiving - again and again. I am thankful for the many friends and family with whom I am have been blessed. I am thankful for my husband whose love for me transcends my understanding. I am thankful for my children who teach me more about myself each day and challenge me in ways that I did not expect. I am thankful for so much.....

Five and a half years ago my mother passed away after a short reign of cancer in her life. Most people use the phrase "battle with cancer," but mom never really battled. Once she was diagnosed and the outcome was discussed, there wasn't much battling to be done. The doctors were at a loss. Mayo Clinic was at a loss. Our family was at a loss. Isn't there something that someone can think of that can be done? No.
We all sort of knew what the outcome would be, and we just started dealing with that reality. We pleaded with God over and over again - knowing that in the end it wasn't our will that was to be done. One friend went so far (on New Year's Eve) as to state that she was convinced it was God's will for my mom to live. In the end, we knew we would never understand how His will was being done. She didn't live. Six months and 13 days after that friend dared to proclaim God's will to us in a church filled with many others, the reign of cancer ended and mom left us.
Death did not frighten mom. In the last days, she talked (when coherent) about how none of need to fear death, for it frees us from the earthly things that overwhelm us. Death, that unwelcome visitor, arrived in my mom's bedroom on Friday, the 13th of June, 2003.

What does this have to do with thankfulness? I realize that it's a little odd to right about my mom dying on Thanksgiving Eve. But I am thankful that I can write about her. Yes, tears flow, and my heart aches....but I can write about her. I am thankful for all that she taught me even though I wasn't always a willing student, for the way she belived in me even though I didn't always understand her ways of showing that, and for the way that she sheltered me from the nasty things in life even though I begrudged her that for so long. Mothers may not always know best, but she was pretty much on target with some things. For those things, I am grateful. I can't imagine the grace that it took to raise me....

New Moon (#2 in Twilight series) thoughts

I have spent the last two nights falling asleep with the light on and a book falling on my face in order to finish New Moon.

Summary (warning - if you haven't read it....): Edward (the vampire) leaves Bella (and the town iteself) in order to keep her safe. Bella falls into a deep depression but befriends Jacob (who turns out to be a werewolf - the arch-enemy and defeater of vampire). Her friendship (which could could be seen as a new love interest) with Jacob brings Bella back to life. Due to an impending danger (Victoria the vampiress - avenger of her love James who was killed by Edward in Twilight after James kidnapped Bella and attempted to kill her), Alice returns to protect Bella. Through a series of unfortunate events, Bella and Edward are reunited, she is unable to have both Edward and Jacob in her life due to their different issues, and Edward pledges to never leave her again. There is more here...but I don't want to spoil everything!

Highlights: The author does something amazing to depict the absolute despair into which Bella falls upon Edward's departure. The titles of the chapters are the months during which Bella is all but lost to the world. The chapters themselves are blank pages. We find out later that she apparently participates in life but does not interact with it at all. This is an amazing depiction of depression, and I appreciate what the author has done.

Trouble spots:

• Bella basically uses Jacob to regain a spot in life. She is actually more "into" him once she finds out he is a werewolf. This is that standard "bad boy" attraction....why do we emulate heroines who are bent on a conflicting hero? In other words, why do we continue to see this theme over and over in teen literature? Where are the positive relationship models for our teens?
• Bella essentially leaves everything (again) in pursuit of Edward. She leaves family behind with really no indication of what is going on (they would lock her up in a mental institution) and no explanation. If I were her mother, I would not be happy.
• The author treats the concept of "being 18" in the same way that most teens do. They think that they can do anything they want and have no accountability because they have reached some magical age. The reality is that at 18 the parents are no longer legally responsible for their children. The reality is that parents still have every right to determine what is appropriate behavior in exchange for room, board, and all of the other amenities that most parents provide (and often take out a 2nd mortgage to do so).

We need the authors of teen literature to deal with the issues that teens deal with but also to speak into their lives and provide some positive balance. How can we expect teens to treat their parents any differently if their literary role models not helping us out? The teen literature world depicts "reality," and teens then infer that this is how it is supposed to be. But that is not the case.

My oldest child turns 13 in January. It is my hope and prayer that she will not become a defiant teenager. We have laid the ground work now for continual and open communication with her. At the same time, we have ground rules for behavior, chores, and family team work. We do our best to allow our children to make their own decisions, but we also realize that sometimes they need to be told what the right decision is - so that in the future when they are forced to make decisions they will have right decisions as background knowledge.

This is the kind of literature that we need from our authors in the teen realm. We need them to provide us with families that are supportive, that work as a unit for the good of all in the family, and who raise children who are productive members of society.

The isolation of our young people will lead to the destruction of our country. They need to take ownership, to think beyond their own selfish desires, and to know that their families are important.

I realize that not all families are the ideal....but when was the last time you read a teen novel that even presented a supportive family environment as the norm?

The Glass Castle - a must read

Jeannette Walls has captured the spirit of resiliency in The Glass Castle. As a character herself (it is an autobiography), Jeannette provides us with an inside view of life in a family that doesn't fit the norm. Without really passing judgement on her parents, Jeannette allows us to see her childhood through her eyes.

There is a compassion in her story that I find refreshing and rare. In my opinion, this woman has every right to be bitter. Instead, she shares her story in a way that allows readers to question: Should someone have intervened? Jeannette never claims to wish that someone had. In fact, the times when social services are involved in their lives, Walls herself impedes the process. She never lies to social services, but she provides them with a spin on her life that doesn't force their hand in pursuing in the process.

Her story is not one of wicked abuse. Her story is one of parents who just did not seem up to parenting in the way that some of us may hope for parents to act. However, her parents instilled in her some important facets that those with "good" parenting may never have.

This book is worth a first reading for sure, and it may require a second or a third. It is rich, full of hope, and one of the best books that I have ever read.

Twilight thoughts - yes more....

Disclaimer: I have read Twilight. I even liked the book. However, as you can see from previous posts, I have some major concerns about it.

I have a great teenager as a neighbor. Eden is a bright, caring, and articulate young lady. She is not defensive about my thoughts about Twilight (even when my shared thoughts with her dad could have become a bone of contention in their house). Instead, she has entered into conversation with me concerning the book, its high points, and its dangers. She has given me permission to share these thoughts with you.

Eden says: I think anyone 12 and younger should not read it. Eden agrees with me about the mature content. While she is 14 years old, wants to read the books (and has), and will see the movie (with her mom) tonight, she is able to say that the content is too mature for younger readers. She may not include herself in this category, but one can hardly blame her. She has already read all 4 of the books and has enjoyed them. We can't expect total objectivity when one has already enveloped oneself in the material.

Eden is also quick to point out that people need to get a reality check. The character of Edward is a vampire. He is not real. We discussed how Edward is metaphorical (in my mind) of that "one guy" with whom some girls have the likelihood of becoming obsessed. For this "one guy," these girls will forsake friends, family, fun, and - at least from what I hear about later books - their lives. This is sad.

The area of relationships with parents is something that I see as being a huge error of responsibility on the part of the author. Eden and I explored that as well.

Eden: Most teens do not like their parents, and I think that teen authors want to relate to their audience and make themselves seem like the "good guy." At least that is what I think.

Stacy: Hmmmm....good thoughts. That does make me sad, though. Wouldn't it be great for these authors to show teens how to have a good relationship with their parents?

Eden: Yeah but what average teen would read a book like that? Authors try to get the most readers they can.

Stacy: I know that. But - isn't there a way to do both? Maybe the main character has a bad relationship with her parents, but she has a friend who has a great relationship.

Eden: I get what you mean. You should write it.

Stacy: Maybe we should write it together.

Eden: Sounds like fun.

I'd love to know if other people know of teen fiction books that show teens in positive relationship with their parents. If not, maybe that is an area that we need to encourage someone to write a book. This is important. As teens become more and more distant from their families, the society as a whole is suffering. I see this in my career as a teacher.

It's not merely the responsibility of teens, however, to figure out how to have positive relationships with their parents. Parents are pulling away from their children at younger and younger ages. The family as a unit needs to be valued, and parents need to prioritize their children. I have so much more to say about this!!! But...it's late! :)

Twilight Part 2

First of all - thank you to Kari Spears for listening to me ramble about this on the phone tonight.

I have to admit - I like the book Twilight. I would be lying through my teeth and not doing a good job of it if I didn't admit that. That being said, just because I like it doesn't mean that I have to think it's a good idea for children as young as 6th grade (or younger) to read these books.

I've decided what my bottom line problem is with this series (and no, I haven't started the 2nd book in the series even though it is in my house!). Here it is. The reading level is too accessible. The content of Twilight is too for the reading level that it has. Students as young as 3rd grade (good readers) would have no problem reading this book given its reading level. It is marketed and hooused in the Teen Fiction section at Barnes and Noble. The movie (which, yes, comes out this week) is rated PG-13. If a movie of a book requires a PG-13 rating (for violence and extreme sexual tenion would be my guess), the book itself should not be so easily (reading level) accessible to younger students. Books like Frankenstein and Dracula have themes in them that are much too mature for young readers. Fortunately, the reading level of these books are at par with that maturity level required for the readers.

This troubles me. This writer (much like Rowling) intentionally writes at such an accessible level that young students will be drawn to these books. Add on to that the "obsession factor" and combine it with increasingly mature content (one of my teen friends said that the movie of the 4th book will likely be "R" - I have not read it yet, so I have to refrain from stating this myself) in the books to come - you get young students accelerating their exposure to mature content. And the author did this. You can write a book with mature content with higher reading levels - this puts the ability at par with the maturity (hopefully) of the reader.

One more thing: I am deeply, deeply troubled by the modeling of poor relationships in this book. More on that....next time - for now, I have to drive home from Brainerd. :) If you are reading this and have thoughts, I would love to hear them!

If you have not read the book, please do not bash it. That is one of my pet peeves - read it, then pass judgement....if you are in the "mature reader" category. :)

Twilight

I'm just copy/pasting from a conversation on Facebook, so this is fast and random/not well-organized.

Ok - I promise to get to this before the end of the week...I just totally forgot to do something that will require most of my attention tonight for sure. I'll say one thing, though. It's dangerous on many levels, but the "obsession factor" is one of them. These are very much like the Harry Potter books in the sense that the first book is the ...least innocent and leads to darker and darker books.
I'm not saying that no one should read them - but there is content (even in the first book) that is much more mature than most young teens can handle. When do we decide to deceive our parents? Should we deceive our parents? Etc.
Ok - more later...promise.

Next thought: The main thrust of the first book (yes, I'll likely read all 4 of them...it pains me to have to be informed) is the tension between Bella and Edward. The depiction of him as beautiful, perfect, and bright...it's deceiving because he is anything but this on the inside. It resembles the description of Satan in the Bible. Bella is drawn to him - and there is no explanation. She does not ever truly seem to have fear of him - more the fear that her life will not be "the same" without him. This is just classic enmeshment and provides a very unhealthy modeling of a relationship for young teenage girls. "I love him and that is all that matters." NO! There is more to it than that - and do you even know what love is?Then there is the modeling of poor communication with parents. When was the last hero of a teen novel in a functional relationship with his/her parents?? Is art reflecting culture or is it creating culture? I guess I'm running out of room...

The problem with these books is that they are well-written...and are thrilling...and exciting...the tension is so thick - I literally read the entire book last night (granted, I'm a fast reader, do some skimming, and can skip over the dull parts). Ok - so more danger: Bella has no friends that are mentioned from Phoenix, she really doesn't make many friends once in WA, and she instantly clings onto the idea of Edward. This is a girl with no real roots, no support network, etc. And he hones in on her. Now - he is essentially a pedophle. He is over 100 years old, and he is preying on a 17 year old girl. How am I to be ok with this and recommend it to my students - let alone my DAUGHTER! Enough for tonight...I would welcome interaction. I'm going to post this stuff to my blog - so feel free to go there to comment.

My dog is a carnivore....

This should not surprise me. But it did make me pause to consider some things about our own eating habits and desires as humans.



The story. This morning, as I diced tomatoes in preparation for a gathering tonight with friends, our dog (Bagel the Beagle) begged with his eyes to eat whatever it was that I was cutting. We do not allow him into the house, so he peers in through the porch window from his domain into mine whenever I am in the kitchen. He has not had enough attention lately (subject for another post...I could actually change my blog title to - "Dogs and Humans - How we are Similar"), and that makes him whine more. I am a sucker for his whining - it's just so cute.
I decided to give in and let him have half of a tomato. This is where it gets interesting. At first, he looked at me in confusion as if to say, "You gave in?" Then he looked at me with a question, "What is that???" He stared at the tomato, licked, whined in a way that portrayed disapproval, and walked away. This routine repeated several times over the next 10 minutes as the tomato remained uneaten on the ground. He finally did give in and ate the tomato.

What does this have to do with us? Aren't we the same way with vegetables? Sure - there are those who feign a love of vegetables, but do they really mean it? I don't want to say that they don't, but come on, people! Meat - that's what it is all about. My dog knows it, and we do too! However, if we are not given meat, we will eventually eat vegetables. Right?

Just a silly thought....but wanted to share it....

Divorce....

Most people think that divorce is a tragedy. And I agree. It rips families apart. It creates havoc in the minds and hearts of children who then grow up to be adults who have to come to grips with the havoc created. It is horrible. God despises it. Somehow, though, it happens. Selfishness, on whatever level, creeps into a marriage. One or both parties decide to give in to the selfishness. The matter is not resolved. Covenant is torn apart. Lives are forever changed.

But God's redeeming power in our lives is bigger than the havoc. Take my life, for an example of this. Yes, it has taken nearly 30 years for God to take me apart and put me back together again, but I can say that I feel put together - safely in His hands...as He continues to create through His perfect craftsmanship the woman that He desires me to be. There is so much to who I am today...how God has brought me here...and how He will take me beyond even this.

The story (in brief): Paul (bio-dad) met Von (bio-mom) in 1968 or so. Von was supposed to go off to college in the fall, and Paul was stationed at an Air Force base nearby. Boy meets girl; they fall in love, get married, and start a life together. Through a series of whatever - things happened (that I will not mention to keep those alive still happy)...and they divorced. They divorced..after 2 children were born - myself and my younger brother. They divorced. They divorced. They divorced. In 1976 or 1977, I became one of the few, at the time, to live with a single mother. They divorced. Growing up in North Dakota...this was not the easiest thing.
Von later married Rick; Rick adopted my brother and me. Paul later married Maggie; they had my sister Meg. And the divorce rate increased so that, by the time I graduated from high school, I was not the only one in my class to have this blended family experience...one that meant summers in Rhode Island (for me anyway) visiting the extended parts of a mixed family.

There is so much more to this story.... but the reason for this post is to say that God is bigger than this. While He does not ordain divorce or desire for it to occur, He is there in the midst of it when it does. More than that, He can redeem the broken parts of our lives and not fix them in the human sense - but make more of them than we could have ever dreamed.

Bitterness is an option. But bitterness does nothing to our soul but destroy it. It does nothing to our soul but break it down and create even more havoc within us. Bitterness, while an obvious choice for many, should be the feeling from which we flee.

Blogging and Pace of Life

I haven't blogged in a long, long time. The pace of my life has just been too much, and - honestly - I have not wanted to write down anything lately.

Writing things down is a way of archiving the journeys that we take. The push to journal, keep diaries, and have memory books is a push to remember. This is very Biblical, and I want to take that seriously. The whole point of the Passover for the Jewish people was to remember what God had done for them and is doing for them. In a sense, then, I desire to remember...I desire to archive these days and what God has been doing in these days. But I am also torn.

In order to remember and archive in the world of a blog, I have to be willing to open up my heart and life to the readership of this blog. In a way, not blogging is my way of hiding. I want to blog about good things...but when the good things are not what simmers to the top when I log in to my blog, then I would rather not blog...I would rather just hide away. It's a way for me to pretend, to hide, and to keep my "ick" safe. When I started this blog, I wanted it to help other people....do I just have to start sharing and see how it goes?

What would you see if you saw my heart? Today you would see someone who has hit a point of emotional exhaustion. You would see someone who has started to say "no" to things, someone who has started to pull things from her plate and hand them off to others, and you would see someone, who hates to quit, who has started to resign from things. Last week, I resigned from the drug court team that I have sat on for the past year. It took too much of my time and no longer was an area of professional or personal interest. I care about kids - especially the ones who are using drugs - but my time didn't seem to be helping them. On Monday, I resigned from a part of my job. It was a part that initially had been created for me but that has morphed into something that I no longer can say fits who I am.

I can't even write all of the things in my heart right now....because I am struggling with what is appropriate to share in this place. How do I share? How do I communicate? The things that are on my heart are God-given....so I should share....and much of them at this point are victories...there will always be struggles - but God will bring the victory. Amen.